Part X: – “Can You See Your Strength During Your Toughest Moments?”
Do you realize how many thoughts run across your mind at any given time? Little things here, mega plans there, family in the center, work assignments on the sides, church functions in the corners, and love interests in the nooks and crannies of your mind. Oh yes! …All of them simultaneously racing through your brain; some repeatedly. Sometimes I wonder, “How much can one person think about during the course of one day without losing it?”
Maybe, the reason some people talk so much is because they are constantly thinking and have to get it out. Perhaps the continuous overload is actually trying to find a way to escape the overload. …But what about those of us who don’t do a lot of talking? Do we bottle it all up and occasionally explode? .Or do we refrain from joining conversations until we are familiar with what’s being discussed? ..Many people judge quiet people as not having a high intellect. But I beg the differ. Some of us are quiet; we are highly intelligent; and we don’t do the outburst thing; at least not often. But we get it out through writing.
Does any of that describe you? Are you the talkative chatterbox; or are you the quiet one who chatters on paper? One of the upsides about writing is that, it gives reminders of projects you’ve dropped. Writing also allows you to express yourself. And, when you go back and read your journals, you’ll find out how God was preparing you while you walked through the valley of the shadow of death. (cf Psalm 23). You’ll see inches of discovery in your storms and in your happy times. You’ll also discover more about you; and most importantly; about your relationship with God. My friends, stay with me on this journey; and allow relatable thoughts to help YOU discover your strength during your toughest moments.
Here’s Part X:
Taken from: Thoughts While Tamika was in ICU and After Her Transition (Feb 14, 2015, 6:40 am – Rename this writing – Mika Is Free??? or After Losing My Daughter: My New Normal???)
Monday, December 1, 2014 @ 7:12 am
– As I lay on the love seat; and Jordan is on the sofa watching a show on my tablet; I am reflecting on the dream that I had last night.
– I dreamed that James’ grandparents were moving and wanted me to move into their house. But the house was not on the street that they live on now. Nor did it look the same. It was somewhere that I hadn’t been before. I was not sure if they wanted to sell it to me without a mortgage; if they wanted me to lease the house; or if they wanted to give it to me. All I know is that I was at their house and they were telling me of their moving to a senior’s village sort of like the community that Mrs. Parson lived in. I asked them what they planned to do with their house. Then his grandma told me that they wanted me to have it. All I thought was that I didn’t know if I wanted to move to Detroit. I was thinking that the house was too big; if I would need security bars; and that I didn’t want to live in such a big house by myself.
– As I type this, a dream from the past comes to mind that I had about me and Mika. We were looking for me a house;. I was looking at big houses.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014 @ 9:19 pm
– As long as I live, I will continue on my journey to the heart of God.
– Why am I saying this? I miss my Mika so much. There is no one on this earth that stood by me and encouraged me no matter what. No one. Lord, she’s gone now; and I need to seek you more than I ever have. There is none like you O Lord. No one else can do what you do O Lord.
– It’s time to drop these pacifiers of church work; and get lost in the journey of seeking God. In seeking God; kingdom work is of the utmost importance.
– The prophecy that Janet F. said to me is on my mind continuously. She said that 2014 will be a year like I have never known. And so far it has been. My only daughter passed away in June. I was tempted to walk away from God. But I made it through. Now I keep hearing that prophecy again; and that the year is not over. Perhaps something wonderful like I’ve never known can happen for me in these last 29 days of this year.
– I keep hearing The Lord say to me “Rochelle you SHALL get the PhD and you SHALL teach at a college. Don’t fret over those scores not being as high as you wanted them to be. “You were BORN for this!”
Wednesday, December 3, 2014 @ 5:49 am
– It’s time to invest time with God, to see what He wants for me in this particular season in my life.
Below is from an article “Determine Your Purpose,” that I just read online from 4word Women :
“Whether you are searching for your life’s purpose, you’ve just begun your purposeful journey, or you have been following God’s plan for your life for years, always remember to continually follow after God and listen to His calling. Allow Him to guide you, and your life will be one of gratifying and eternal impact to those around you.” (published Nov 24, 2014 by Jordan Johnstone)
– Jordan and I just ate breakfast. He had a pancake. I had two scrambled eggs and a half of a pancake. Now I’m on the love seat, and Jordan is looking at something on the tablet.
– It is possible to serve in ministry while seeking the heart of God. I really need to seek you Lord. It’s time to submerge myself in your Word and in prayer.
– I am so ready to be full fledge in the PhD program. Rochelle start writing the dissertation essay and pull writings on Holy Spirit and send forms to Dr. H, Dr M, and to Dr. J. Write, Rochelle! Write!
Friday, December 5, 2014 @ 6:40 am
– Jordan is on the sofa watching a Play-Doh instruction show on the tablet. I am on the love seat.
– Last night at the district set-up meeting, I realized that I really don’t want to serve in that area of ministry anymore. I hear The Lord telling me that telling Supt that he should appoint someone else to district Mission is the first step in my letting go of extra that’s distracting me from focusing on my genuine purpose.
– Doing a lot does not mean that we are in the Will of God.
– I also realize, disappointment does not control me anymore. Especially since I have had the worst disappointment I could ever phantom in losing my daughter, These other small disappointments don’t faze me. They are irrelevant. It’s irrelevant about who sits in high seats. Whatever!
– Wow! I just emailed B., and it didn’t bother me. Thank you Lord for this freedom from trivial things that caused bondage.
– As I sit in the car outside of the Farmington library on Liberty Street; waiting on it to open so that I can go work on Bishop’s book, I am reading Joel Osteen’s book “You Can, You Will.” The Lord just placed in my spirit to think about why I dreamed the other day of someone giving me that large house. The Lord is telling me that I am not to give up on those dreams He has placed in my spirit. The house, the husband, my sons prosperous and saved, the PhD, teach at a university, seminary and go to France and Venice. Rochelle, He says, “Keep believing me for what looks to be impossible. I, God WILL grant you the desires of your heart.”
– Hallelujah!!!!! Praise your name Jesus. I got my hope back. Thank you!
– A lot of times we focus so on the destination or the goal; yet there is a tremendous blessing in the process and the pursuit. Even with the setbacks, there is joy in persevering.
Saturday, December 6, 2014 @ 5:42 pm
– Today was nice. Breakfast with Shawn, Carl, her family, Silky, Cadaro, Kent, Jenae, and their children was very fun. I really enjoyed those three hours.
– Went to Farmington Hills library for a few hours and enjoyed.
– Coming home was good. I just started feeling very lonely when I got home at 4:00.
– Being alone is lonely at times. I wish for new. Perhaps a new home. New career. New relationship. Just new. I want new. So Lord I thank you for new.
Monday, December 15, 2014 @ 7:50 am
– Last night I dreamed Tamika, James and Jordan were moving into a home where they were renting a room because they could no longer afford their house. Then while talking to Tamika and sharing my concerns, I realized she would not be with them because she was dead.
– What did that dream mean? Lord bless James’ finances. Help him and Jordan. Please Lord.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014 @ 9:39 am
– Yesterday I cried. Today I cry.
– Lord, why do you allow your people to experience so much heartache and pain? I just don’t understand.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014 @ 7:02 am
– I just gave Jordan a spanking. I told him to do something and he stuck his butt out to me. He gets that from Noah at school. I whipped him and told him that boys don’t do that. He cried and lay down on sofa.
– Lord help him
– I haven’t seen my sons in almost a week. My new normal is just me everyday keeping Jordan during weekdays when he isn’t in school; and spending evenings talking to The Lord, studying and writing.
– Though I miss Mika, my new normal is becoming normal. The pain of being without my children is a new normal. It’s no longer misery because of the drive to survive that’s down on the inside.
– Today I say “Yes Lord!” Lord please help me.
Thursday, December 18, 2014 @ 6:57 am
– Janet F.’s prophecy was so on point. This has been a year like I have never known. My only daughter spent months of suffering; then spent her last month in the hospital; and slipped into eternity. Both of my sons are dealing with legal problems. I feel so alone without my three children being here to talk to me daily.
– Two good things are that my car is paid off and I took the GRE.
– I wrote my first tract this year; and we handed them out to over 500 people.
– Introduced a book club to the women at the church.
– Now there are 14 days left in this year including today. Lord let it be good miraculous, marvelous things like I have never known. Not devastating.
– My sister Angie comes to my mind. I don’t hold any animosity towards her; but I don’t want to deal with her. Her draining, false humility is bothersome. She needs to turn to God for help. Now is not the time for weights on me. I truly have to lay aside every weight. Angie will not be a weight.
– Actually, now is the time for mega silence and inflection on what The Lord is saying to me.
– I haven’t had a sister in over thirty years. Angie is a stranger to me. I don’t trust her at all. She’s been a stranger full of animosity towards me for years. When Mika was alive, Angie didn’t call me. She called Mika. Now is not the time for her to step into my space. We are strangers; but I will be kind to her and treat her kindly. But to me she is not my sister.
– Lord I pray that it’s not lack of forgiveness that I have towards Angie. I don’t think it is. I don’t get angry when Angie calls. But I do get aggravated; and don’t want to be bothered when she acts as if she’s humble. It’s draining. Right now is not the time to deal with her. Maybe one day when I am walking in healing from my tremendous loss.
– Right now I feel as if I’ve lost my three children. One to death and two to problems. Or perhaps I’ve been temporarily separated from my two sons. But I REALLY miss all three of them.
– There is pain where all three are concerned. Excruciating pain from lost of my daughter. Terrible pain from what my sons are dealing with.
– Lord please help my sons. Please help them to walk in total freedom. Save their souls. Please Lord. Free them from their legal dilemmas. Please Lord. Please.
Thursday, December 18, 2014 @ 8:46 pm
– Lord please help Justin and Melvin. Please let them be free and not locked up. Please save their souls. Please help them to be prosperous men. Please Lord. Please.
Friday, December 19, 2014 @ 12:40 pm
– Sitting in the FH Library on 12 mile in kids area, while Jordan plays with an Indian girl who appears to be 2 years older than Jordan. They are having so much fun. Jordan was really shy at first. The little girl walked up to him and told him her name. I told Jordan to tell her his name. He said, “Jordan.” I told him to say, “My name is Jordan.” He said, “My name is Jordan!” Now they are playing.
– This brings me so much joy. Especially since I was crying earlier; missing Mika.
– Watching Jordan have joy brings me joy.
– It is in my spirit to grab nuggets of joy whenever the opportunity comes.
– I need this. I need to grab joy.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014 @ 5:20 am
– As I lay in my bed praying to The Lord , I cry. Help me Lord. Help me to allow you to be enough.
– This tear comes from thinking of how we so cavalierly say that all we need is God. But is that true? When my brother Bobby died, I had Mika. When mama ran from the law, I had Mika and Justin. I’ve had Mika my entire adult life. She was in my belly when I was 18; and I had her at 19.
– Now Mika is gone and my sons have their own lives.
– So I cry. Lord help me to accept You as enough. Please help me.
– Christmas has no meaning like before. I want to celebrate your birth dear Jesus. I want to spend this time in reflection on you dear Jesus.
– Gifts don’t matter. Help me dear Lord, to hide from this pain in You. Help me please.
– I received a text from Jerome S. at 4:03 this morning wishing me and family a happy holiday; and to tell Angie, “Hello.” He never got over the past. This man has loved Angie for almost 40 years. Now his mom died this year and he’s hurting. That text was for me to pray. Lord help Jerome, his sisters and family. Losing a loved one is so devastating.
– Lord help my childhood friend Joi. She misses her sister June, who passed away in 2007. Lord help Joi, June’s son, her brother Brian and their mom. Help Lord please.
– Lord help James and Jordan. Justin and Melvin. Candace, Ki, Kisha and Nikki. Lord help us all. Help me Lord. Giving up is so all around. Please help me Lord. Please.
Friday, December 26, 2014 @ 8:37 pm
– As I read Kay Warren’s interview about her son’s suicide; her faith encourages me. She said, “We didn’t ask to be on this journey. Nobody ever does. We didn’t ask to have a mentally ill son; and he didn’t ask to be mentally ill. We didn’t ask that his life on earth would end the way it did; but all those things happened. And so, in light of what has happened to us, it feels like it’s then part of the stewardship of the life experience that have come our way.”
– Wow! Her faith is so encouraging.
– She also said, “……our message is of trust in God’s goodness, and a commitment to let him take what is so broken and torn apart and shredded in our lives and mend it, put it back together in ways that we can’t on our own.”
– Wow! That’s so encouraging.
My friends, thank you for joining me today. What do you see in today’s writing? Do you see where there is a need to lighten up? Do you see growth? Do you see life lessons? Do you see how prayer and writing helps? Can you relate? Thanks again!! We’ll talk soon.
Originally posted 2016-12-20 12:38:00.