Originally posted 2016-11-28 23:33:24.
Hi!
Did you read Parts I and II of this series? Yes? Did they spark something in you; and you decided to take a trip down memory lane to do a self-reflection? Did you discover some traits about yourself that you didn’t realize were there?
Perhaps you uncovered your ability to push on no matter how difficult the circumstances? Yes? Did you give yourself a pat on the back while feeling a major sense of fulfillment? Yes? That’s great. Especially if your pat included you knowing that you can do all things through Christ which strengthens you.
Stay with me; there’s more to discover.
On the flip side, maybe you thought of a tough time in your life, and now you can see how much time you wasted sulking? If that’s the case, don’t beat yourself up too bad. Take joy in knowing that you’re out of Lo-debar; you didn’t get stuck. …Maybe you’re dealing with a trying situation now. Or life is just bland, empty and; blah; blah; blah. However life is treating you at this stage in your journey; I challenge you to journal. Write, my friends. Please write!
In the midst of your dismay; or even in happy moments;
journal. I’m a witness, that months, or even years from today; when you reread your journal; you’ll see how God has been with you? You’ll see where you subconsciously tapped into your God-given strengths, every time you had rough moments? When you read some of your thoughts, it’ll give you a “Thank You Jesus,” way down on the inside. You’ll remember why you serve such a gracious and merciful God.
Perhaps you’re the one who clicked off the site and said, “Who cares? Why should I waste my time? The past is the past!” Well, I’m glad you’re back. And you’re absolutely right. But, please know that we’re not suggesting that you dwell in the past. Just think about it. No matter what your view is on this subject, can you see the need to depend upon the Lord in your toughest moments?
Journaling allows you to take a glimpse at where God brought you from; and what He’s brought you through. Journals are like mirrors. They display reflections of you; reflections of your innermost thoughts. Journaling is also extremely therapeutic. So, my friends, do me a favor. Stay on this journey with me to see how The Lord can strengthen YOU in your most difficult hours.
Here’s Part III:
Thoughts While Tamika was in ICU and After her transition on June 3, 2014. (Feb 14, 2015, 6:40 am – Rename this writing – Mika Is Free??? or After Losing My Daughter: My New Normal???)
Friday, June 13, 2014 @ 6:38 am
– As I sit here on my sofa while Jordan lays watching Sid the Science Kid, I miss my daughter.
– Lord help me to hold on to you. Help me not to quit. Help me Lord. Help me. I am so hurt.
Lord I know you could have changed Tamika’s health situation on this earth. But why didn’t you Lord? Why? I just don’t understand why we all (James. Jordan, Justin, Melvin, me, Kierra, Mia, Mann, Angie, Loriel, Valente, Kisha and the rest of the family) have to go through so much pain.
– Lord, why?
– My ache is so intense until my stomach burns. Lord I am so hurt.
– Why so much pain? Why so much hurt? Why so many losses?
– It’s hard to ask you to help. I can’t see love for me in allowing me to experience so much pain and devastation.
– How is this love?
– How?
8:17 am
– Lord I am so hurt. But why should I tell you? It doesn’t matter. How does so loving someone cause so much pain?
– I am at a lost of understanding.
– it just doesn’t matter anymore. What’s the use?
– What is the use of holding on to our hope?
7:52 pm
– As I sit here watching the movie “The Wishing Well” on the Hallmark Channel, I keep hearing
Sunday, June 15, 2014 @ 7:19 am
– Lord God, dear Father, I come to you and thank you in the name of Jesus. Please forgive me for being so angry and questioning your love.
– And thank you Lord for helping me to listen to your Word on my phone. Your Holy Word has helped me to see what all Jesus did for my daughter; that she may have everlasting life. Thank you Lord.
– I really miss Tamika and still hurt. Yet I don’t want to miss Heaven. At first all I wanted to go to Heaven for was to see Jesus. Now I want to see Jesus especially. But I also want to see my daughter. She now is where she is in no more pain. Thank you Jesus.
Sunday, June 15, 2014 @ 10:48 pm
– Went to church this morning. The word blessed me. “Staring or Preparing!” We have to prepare to see Jesus.
– On the way home, the devil used Justin to upset me. Sometimes, he lacks respect for other people’s property. Lord please save his soul. Please give him a conviction not to drive my car while texting. It was the devil to have him to text while driving my car while I’m in it; making me nervous. So when I told him that I would drive he decided to walk home. We were on Lahser and Eleven Mile. Probably two and a half miles away from my house. That was fine with me. Lord please help me not to feed into Justin’s devilish comments. I am grieving the death of my daughter. I am tired Lord, and don’t want to argue with anyone. Please help my son to surrender to you Lord.
– Now I sit here and read Joel. Thank you Lord for placing in my spirit to hide in your Word.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014 @ 6:56 am
– As I sit on the sofa with Jordan lying here wining; I feel his hurt. He misses his mommy. Lord it’s hard for him.
– It’s hard to see this baby go through this Lord.
Friday, June 20, 2014 @ 11:52 am
– Thank you Lord. I brought Jordan to Farmington Hills Library.
– At first he was shy when a little African American boy named Joshua wouldn’t play with him. Jordan didn’t want to play with him either.
– But when the Caucasian kids came. Jordan started playing with a little Caucasian girl.
– Now Jordan’s schoolmate Rudra, a little Indian boy came. Jordan is so happy.
– Jordan said, “Rudra, what are you doing here?” They are so happy playing together.
– Thank you Lord! My grandson is having a good time.
– I know he’s going to cry when we leave. But at least he had fun.
– Lord I thank God
Saturday, June 21, 2014 @ 9:00 am
– After crying and sulking for the past couple of hours, here I am listening to TD Jakes preach on Hebrews 12:11- 17 “There is Nothing As Powerful as a Changed Mind!”
– Wow, I hadn’t read that 17th verse like that before today.
Sunday, June 22, 2014 @ 10:00 am
– After talking to Justin and crying. Justin said something astonishing. He said, “Tamika got a head start on where we are trying to go.”
Monday, June 23, 2014 @ 5:43 pm
– As I sit here on my sofa, I reflect on what I said to Shawn E., that I just don’t know how to go on without Tamika.
– Lord help me. Help Jordan. Help James. Help Justin. Help Melvin. Help Angie. Help Loriel. Help our entire family. Help Mika’s friends and the saints who are all grieving.
– Help Lord. Please Lord Help. I believe it’s your will for us to be helped. Is it Lord?
8:15 pm
– As I sit on the sofa watching a movie on the Hallmark Channel, when commercial comes on I think of just walking and going to 696 and walking West until I’m too tired to walk.
– There’s nowhere on this earth to find my daughter. Lord please help me.
– Where do I go from here? What do I do? Who do I talk to? There is no one who relates to me right now.
– Should I go to St. Louis? I wish that I could go on July 3rd or 5th and come home on the 12th.
– Oh how I miss being able to call my daughter. Just to know that she is deceased hurts so bad and gives such a sense of loss.
Friday, June 27, 2014 @ 6:29 am
– As I lay on the love-seat while Jordan is asleep this morning, I’m reflecting on my conversation with James last night. He said that he cooked on Wednesday and that’s progress for him. I told him that I cooked yesterday. Baked turkey breast and rice. I thought that’s progress for me.
– I really miss my daughter. It hurts to think of not talking to her. The loss is astronomical. I really miss my baby girl.
– It’s still hard to pray. It’s still hard to address The Lord. I feel as if I am just writing to release. This is so heart wrenching.
– I have to keep moving. But where do I go? What do I do? My daughter is gone. I am so full of empty. How can a person be full of empty? That sounds so crazy. But it’s my reality.
– Lord please help me. Please Lord help me.
Saturday, June 28, 2014 @ 10:13 am
– Another day of misery. No joy in being alive on this earth. My daughter is gone from this earth. It hurts too bad to want to live. Jordan, Justin and Melvin are ok. They have others. James will find a new wife and good step mother for Jordan. They don’t need me. They will be ok without me Lord. I want to go to Heaven. There I believe I will have joy. I’m tired of misery Lord. Please take me to be with you.
4:17 pm
– How am I going to go on without my daughter being here? 
My first-born and only daughter. How? How? How do I go on? Tamika wasn’t my God. She was my daughter, my confidante, my trusted friend. And in the last five years, after the aneurysm and brain surgeries, she became my guardian. She helped me to become semi-independent again. Now what do I do? I don’t trust my thoughts or my relationship with The Lord. How do I make decisions without running them past Tamika? I trusted her relationship with The Lord and her wisdom. Her words and advice wasn’t tainted with sin, jealousy, pride or laziness.
Sunday, June 29, 2014 @ 8:10 am
– It’s Sunday morning and I first woke up thankful that it’s Sunday, and that I need to keep moving on.
– Now I’m crying. I am so hurt about Tamika. I miss her so much. This hurts too bad. It’s hard to move on.
– Last night I dreamed about Tamika. We were on Webb and trying to help Justin because he had asked Josh for a favor. Josh had insulted Justin, and Tamika and I said we were going to help Justin. Melvin said that he was going to take the Greyhound and not ask Josh. But Tamika, Justin and I were going to fly. Tee Steak was in the dream also. I gave her $50.00 for the first two nights and $25.00 for the third night.
Thursday, July 3, 2014 @ 8:56 am
– It’s been a month. It’s the one month anniversary of my daughter’s death. I feel so sad right now. It really hurts. Lord please help me. Please help my sons. Please help my grandson. Please Lord. Please Lord. Please Lord.
8:08 pm
– Some people are so self-absorbed. S has not called me since the night Mika died. She texted to tell me about V. Now she is texting me on the one month anniversary of Mika’s death to tell me about her open doors. Not a friend. But calling me Roshie. I’m so tired of people stuck on self.
My friends, as I read the above writing to place on today’s post, more thoughts came. God stays with us even when we’re venting and tottering in borderline unbelief. He’s so merciful. He stays on our hearts despite of our questions. His love keeps us from cursing Him and dying spirituality. He puts us back on track. What a mighty God we serve.
Thank you for joining me. Here are some questions. “Can you see your strength during your toughest moments? Does your hope in The Lord increase or wane during hard times? Can you trust God, even when things don’t turn out the way you wanted? Do you see The Lord working in your life in the midst of everything you go through? AND, how thankful are you to God for extending mercy upon you, and not letting you fall?” Think about it.
What are your thoughts. I’d love to hear from you. Love you. We’ll talk soon.
Blessings!
Rochelle
