Part IV – “Can You See Your Strength During Your Toughest Moments?”

Hi!

Have you ever taken a retrospective look at something you’ve walked through and thought, “Wow, I don’t know how I made it through that?  I know it was nothing but the Lord.”  With that; have you wondered what actions did the Lord orchestrate for you to take, so you wouldn’t go cuckoo?  What did He do besides helping you to pray and read His Holy Word?  What?

Well, my friends, this may not apply to everyone.  But, for some of us, The Lord placed it on our hearts to write in the midst of our storms.  I’d like to call it, “Writing your way through.”  And it doesn’t matter what your situation is.  You could feel trapped on a stress ridden job; going through a failed relationship; dealing with a rebellious, pushy person in ministry, watching a loved one slowly die, or seeing your family grieve.  Whatever it is; write through it!

Call it what you want:  Scribbles?  Scattered thoughts?  Journal?  Diary?   But let writing work for you! 

Sometimes to get over a state of sadness, we need to look deep into the cause of that hostage holding emotion.  Likewise, to see our strengths, we need to see how we came through tough moments in our lives.  Other than the Lord, there’s no witness to your emotions and inner breakthrough like your own witness. image I believe that’s one of the reasons why writing is so therapeutic.  Yes, therapeutic.  I guess you’re saying, “Here she goes again.”  And yes, you’re right.  But I’ve found out that there’s a tremendous benefit to journaling, even after things didn’t work out the way you hoped and prayed.

Think about it.  Some of the greatest love songs and books were penned by people expressing their deepest emotions.  Anne Frank coined her innermost thoughts in a diary while in hiding with her family from Nazi occupation of the Netherlands.  Even though her writing expressed her imagination; I believe her scribbling in her diary was what kept her going.

When we don’t see why, and can’t make sense of what’s happening, I believe the Lord uses prayer, reading the Word of God, AND journaling to help us release the inner turmoil.  I believe, that is what keeps us from blowing our top.  …Even though everyone’s trial is unique,  I discovered after the fact that writing is a means of diverting the wish to give up in the midst of a tornado experience.  Rereading your thoughts helps you see how The Lord never leaves you and constantly teaches you.  So my friends, I invite you once again to stay on this journey with me to see how The Lord can strengthen YOU in your most difficult hours,

Here’s Part IV:

Thoughts While Tamika was in ICU and After Her Transition June 3, 2014.   (Feb 14, 2015, 6:40 am – Rename this writing – Mika Is Free??? or After Losing My Daughter: My New Normal???)

Friday, July 4, 2014 @ 2:56 pm

– I just spoke in tongue for the first time since Sunday, June 15, 2014.  It’s the first time at home since Mika’s death..

– Today has been a day of tears and reflection.

– Have been listening to “Changed” by Tremaine Hawkins all day long.

img_2500– Lord I miss talking to my daughter.

– Earlier today, as I reflected upon the pain and feelings that I have experienced since Tamika passed, thoughts came to me about daddy and W.

– I don’t think that I ever hated daddy as a girl and young adult. The supposed hatred was really a cover for the hurt that I was feeling.  What I really was feeling was wishing that daddy loved me.  The same for W.  I really loved daddy and just wanted him to love me.  But he treated me as if he couldn’t stand me.  I really didn’t love W.  But I wanted him to love me and not treat me as if he couldn’t stand me.  The beatings, to me, were an sign of hatred.

– I don’t equate daddy and W to God.  Yet I felt those same confused feelings of feeling unloved by the one you love.  I can never hate God.  But I was angry and wanted to quit.  Because I didn’t feel loved by God in the midst of all this pain.

– Lord help me.

Saturday, July 5, 2014 @ 1:15 pm

– I went to Sprint this morning to take care of updating my phone. The last time I took care of that, Mika met me and helped me.  I was so nervous.  But I managed to discuss the necessities with the salesman successfully.  Thank you Jesus.

– Mia texted me this morning. She misses Mika so much.image  I also read Shun’s Instagram note about how much she misses Mika. Justin sent me Facebook notes from Nikki and Candyce of how much they miss Mika.  Reading these texts and messages caused me to realize that I am not just missing my daughter.  But I know that I am feeling the pain of those closest to her; including Jordan, James, Justin and Melvin.

I also read Z’s note and noticed how she had the need to place the length of she and Mika’s friendship; even though it wasn’t the years she stated.  They knew each other; but weren’t friends that long.  Wow!  That’s what aggravates me.  Z has a need to embellish situations to prove to others.  But Mia, Shun, Nikki and Candyce’s statements were not tainted.  Their words reflected a pure and genuine ache of missing Mika.  That’s not to say that Z doesn’t miss Mika.  But does she miss having someone on her side; because no one else really wanted to be bothered; more than her truly missing and loving Mika?

– Mia, Nikki, Kierra, Kisha, Candyce, Shun and Lori are really aching and missing Mika.

– Perhaps as an intercessor I need to pray more for Z.  Look past the fault and see the need.  She is probably experiencing the extreme loss of having somebody that cares.

– I don’t want to judge Z.  But I believe she is inundated with wanting to be a part of something bigger than what she is accustomed to.  And Mika is her mascot.

Saturday, July 5, 2014 @ 2:52 pm

– Lord, please forgive me for misinterpreting S’s absence for her not caring.

– She just brought me over three towels to preach with my name and ministry vocation, “Evangelist Rochelle Lampkin” on them that she made for me.  She said that I don’t need borrowed towels when I preach.  She hugged me twice.

– And as she was leaving, I heard The Lord say, “Rochelle everyone has work to do.  Understand that S loves you.  She is working on products to sell.  That’s her income.”

– Lord, I was wrong.  Forgive me.  S may have tried to share her joy with me to cheer me up.  And bringing the towels was to let me know that she cares.  Stop being so angry with everyone Rochelle.

– Lord please forgive me.  Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.

– Father God, Lord Jesus, I love you.  Please forgive me Lord.  I love you.  Your Will be done, Lord.

– Even in the midst of my “Why Lord,” I still say “Yes Lord.”

7:01 pm

– As I sit here watching “Life with Latoya,”  I am thinking that it’s time for me to do more with life on this earth.  I’ve been waiting to see Jordan today and now I’m ready to go to sleep.  He goes on vacation in the morning with his dad and their family; for a week.  I will really miss him.  I have to start doing something outside of the house.  Perhaps get ready to go out-of-town and visit Tee Chatlee.

– How do you deal with loss?  This time of reflection is full of mixed emotions.

– Even though I am glad about all Mika accomplished in her short life, I am so sad that she did not get a chance to live here with her husband and son.  img_2892She did not get to see her son grow up to become a man, husband, father and career man.  Lord my heart yet aches for Mika.

Monday, July 7, 2014 @ 12:27 pm

– After reading magazine articles, then crying for some time over my precious daughter’s death, I now sit here on the sofa trying to put a lesson together for the ministerial staff new members.

– Lord, thank you for helping me to push.  Even though they are small steps.  I have to keep going.

– I still have a lot of why’s.  Why couldn’t Tamika be healed and stay here with us?  Why didn’t the doctors find out that Mika had liver damage sooner?  Why was Mika’s liver damage hidden from her?  Why Lord?

– Why did I have to lose my oldest brother; my mother to being on the run and then her dying; and now my daughter?  Why Lord?

– I am tired of the heartache.  Will the heartache ever leave?

– I want to be happy.  But it’s hard.  I spent my first 15 years living in a household full of anger, abuse and miserable tainted days where daddy beat mama; and my being abandoned in the house by daddy.  Daddy choking me and trying to kill me at age 16.  Then from age 16 – 26, spent those years being beat by W.  and trying to leave him and be safe.  I left him when our second child, Justin was 11 months old.  My oldest brother, who was like a daddy to me, was killed by his wife when I was 20 years old.  Then there was the issue that Mama ran from the law when I was 26, and I didn’t want to be happy because my mama was miserable.  During that time, and when mama died when I was 41, I grieved the loss of her again.

5:01 pm

– Sitting here on the sofa thinking about the loss of Tamika.  I just heard a voice say to me, “Are you going to intentionally be unhappy the rest of your life, or will you choose happiness?”  (Re-reading this statement on Saturday, July 19. 2014 – Questions come to me: “How do I choose happiness?  What is happiness?  At least for me?  When you don’t remember happiness, how would you recognize happiness when it comes?)

9:04 pm

– While watching Criminal Minds, a quote by Helen Keller was stated. It says, “Many persons have a wrong idea of what makes up true happiness.  It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy cause.”

Tuesday, July 8, 2014 @ 11:22 am

img_3165– I cried during the night and again this morning.  Oh how I miss being able to talk to my precious daughter.

– Justin just called to ask if I wanted him to send me a video of Mika at Bahama Breeze the night of her graduation. I told him, “Yes;” though I was thinking that it would cause me to cry again.

– I just listened to it and wanted to break down. But I was so glad to hear her voice.  Lord thank you for technology.  We have audible and visual memoirs to hear and see of our loss loved ones; and of memories of us all together.  Thank you Jesus.

2:33 pm

– Oh how I miss Tamika.  Just flipped through pictures on my phone and saw Larry and Rip.  It’s terrible how we have to experience the loss of loved ones.  I miss my daughter so much.  I missed Rip and Larry when they died.  It hurt terribly when Rip died.  Yet I feel excruciating pain from the loss of my daughter.

– Lord help me.  Please help me.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014 @ 5:05 pm

– Mika was not able to taste food or water for months without feeling noxious.  When I told her, “Mika you have to drink the water so that you won’t get dehydrated;” she said, “But mama you just don’t understand.”

– Now, as I listen to Bishop Noel Jones Successfully Single and he is talking about the senses.  And one does not want to eat if one cannot taste the food.  Now I see that I did not understand Mika.  And it must have frustrated her; because no one understood her suffering but her and God.

– But God why did she have to suffer so?  I just don’t understand. Why?

– Why did you allow her to suffer?

Thursday, July 10, 2014 @ 9:14 am

– As I sit here watching a movie entitled, “Our First Christmas,” I started thinking of how life would have been for my children and me if I would have gotten married.  And how I didn’t get a chance to see that for my children; and now how my daughter had missed that.

– Now I hear The Lord telling me to stop dwelling on what didn’t happen.  But start living for today and looking toward better days.

img_1188– But how will I have better days without Tamika.  Even though I was a single parent, we still had traditions.  Tamika and I always cooked Thanksgiving Dinner together.  We went Christmas shopping together.  We travelled to St. Louis together.

– Wow!  Maybe that’s why I didn’t want to go to St. Louis.  The last time I went, Mika met me there.  How do I go on and do things that I am so used to doing with my only daughter?

– I love my sons dearly.  But sons are different. They have their relationships; and they somewhat forget about their mother.  But daughters become best friends.

– I am too old for new best friends.  I know that I have my childhood friend Joi G. B.  But she’s not living saved at this time.  And actually, I was close to her and her twin sister June when we were young.  But now June is deceased.  And I have my childhood friend Brian, who is Joi and June’s brother.  But he’s married and I just can’t call him anytime.  And there is my dear friend Shawn who has also been my sister for almost twenty years. But she lives in London with her new husband.

– Even though Mika was married to James, and they had Jordan; she and I would talk daily.  I miss Mika.  I feel so all alone.

Friday, July 11, 2014 @ 4:25 pm

– After having such a rough night last night, and crying so, and being tormented by the devil trying to get me to slit my wrist, I broke through and called TBN’s 24 hour prayer line for prayer.  I called TBN; because, I didn’t want to trouble my leader with my grief.  Then I went to sleep.

– Now today after having a day of trying to push and trying to get things done; now I am listening to Pastor Willie James Campbell.  He’s preaching on “Its Working For My Good,” and the question comes.

– What do you do when God disappoints you?

– Rochelle hold on to the Word of God.

– Stand on the Word of God.

Well, my friends, thank you for joining me.  Some questions are:  “Can you see your strength during your toughest moments?  Do you see how the Holy Spirit is still with you; teaching, guiding and correcting you in the midst of your misunderstandings and off thoughts?  Do you see how God loves you; and can you still love God, even though you are going through?  Thanks again.  We’ll talk soon.

Blessings!

Rochelle

Originally posted 2016-12-01 23:22:46.

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