Originally posted 2016-12-19 07:30:41.
Hi!
BOOM!!! ….Isn’t that how sudden changes feel? They catch you off guard; and bring their best friends; Mr. Discomfort or Mrs. Shock with them. …Anybody that has ever experienced a house fire; an unexpected job layoff; pink slip or spouse leaving them; a life threatening illness that caused them to not be able to work; or a loved one passing; can relate. Sudden changes may shake you; but after the initial whammy; do you agree that routine eventually sets in?
We humans learn to adjust and adapt to any environment or circumstance. So why does change come with so much unrest? Especially when, based upon our prior experiences with change, we should anticipate an eventual level of acclimation to come? …It’s the seesaw emotions; the punches in your heart; and the sense of loss that encumbers upon your route to wholeness that brings dismay. It’s the intense rattling that pressures you to quit along the way. But, quitting has to take a hike. How?
One of the things God uses that tags a distant third to staying in His Holy Word and praying is our friend; WRITING. I don’t mind if you disagree; but rereading what you wrote tells you that writing is key. This means of escape doubles back and shines a light on who you are; and most importantly; who God is to you. It IS the pot that dares to call the kettle black; but rightfully so. My friends, stay with me on this journey; reflect on your own path; and see how God strengthens YOU in your journey.
Here’s Part IX:
Taken from: Thoughts While Tamika was in ICU and After Her Transition (Feb 14, 2015, 6:40 am – Rename this writing – Mika Is Free??? or After Losing My Daughter: My New Normal???)
Saturday, November 1, 2014 @ 11:37 am
– Justin and I went to the P.O. Box. One of the envelopes was addressed to Tamika. It made me sad. As I tore up the envelope, I became overwhelmed with sadness; and the thought of not wanting to forget my daughter. Lord help me.
6:38 pm
– Third day straight, full of tears. Spent time at the library; and as soon as it was time to go home, the pain hit again.
– I sit here watching a movie on the Hallmark Channel; and I’m so sad. I miss my Mika. Nothing replaces a loss of one of your children; or of your mother.
– The sadness just hits you. Memories bring pain. 
I miss my daughter so much. I really wish the memories would bring joy.
7:53 pm
– Watching a Christmas movie. All of a couple’s children and grandchildren are home to visit for Christmas. I remembered last Christmas. My children, grandson, son-in-law, Candace, Tiff and DaVun were all here laughing and enjoying Christmas.
– The tears are back. Mika won’t be here. We have to get through more firsts without Mika.
– Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, my birthday, Mother’s Day. Then the 1 year anniversary of Mika’s death.
– Lord please help.
– This will be the worst Christmas that I’ve ever had. My daughter died June 3, 2014. It is terrible. It’s a year like I’ve never known.
Monday, November 10, 2014 @ 9:12 pm
Watching a movie. “The Color of Rain.” It’s about a recent widow and a recent widower. The man was angry with God. The preacher said, “You can’t assign human logic to divine matters.”
Tuesday, November 18, 2014 @ 9:10 am
– Jordan is watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I just spent 2 hours reading GRE book. Got too tired; had to break. Lord please guide me to pass that test with a high score.
– I really miss Mika. She was my encourager and my friend; along with being my precious daughter. No one can replace Mika. No one! Only The Lord can fill this emptiness.
– Yesterday Jordan’s teacher asked if Jordan had been to a counselor. I told her, “Not yet.” She told me that Jordan is doing much better. I was so glad. I thanked her and said that I would tell his dad. I told James when he picked up Jordan. James said that he and Jordan are starting to get back to their routine; reading before bedtime, etc. He also said that he’s glad he went to parent teacher conference. That’s so good. James is coming through that dark place.
– Lord please help me and my sons to come out of the dark place.
– I keep hearing the writing topic, “Where are you?” Will start next week. Have to concentrate on GRE exam this week.
– Even with the atmosphere being light with Justin being gone; and his not treating me mean; I really miss him. Lord help my son. Please help both of my sons. Please dear Lord.
– Jordan just came and lay next to me; and wined. I asked him, “What’s the matter?” He said, “I want my daddy.” I asked Jordan, “You miss your mommy?” He said, “Yes.” I hugged and kissed him and told him to go look at her picture. He did and smiled. Thank you Lord for showing someone how to make pictures.
– Now Jordan wants to play with the blocks. Thank you Jesus.
Thursday, November 20, 2014 @ 6:06 am
– As I sit on the love seat while Jordan watches the Octonauts; questions come in my mind as I think of the condition of my furniture, the GRE; and wanting to buy a house. They are: “Does being content mean that you aren’t supposed to want certain things or to achieve certain goals anymore?” Or “Can someone be content while still wanting things or to reach goals?”
Friday, November 21, 2014 @ 11:45 am
– As I drove down Middlebelt Road singing, “I Love The Lord;” I started praying and thanking God that Tamika is not in any more pain. And that my number one prayer for Tamika; besides her making it in; was that she was not in any more pain. God answered my prayer.
– Then the spirit of The Lord reminded me that the last thing Tamika said to me was, “Mama keep praying!” That was in her small whisper on the Friday before she died. She was bleeding from her mouth. I was praying The Lord’s Prayer and she was repeating it. I had to stop to tell the nurse what was going on. And Tamika said in her soft faint voice, “Mama keep praying!” I kept praying; and she kept praying. Oh Thank you Jesus!
Tuesday, November 25, 2014 @ 10:41 am
– As I sit on my bed reading thoughts since Mika was in ICU, Jordan is in the tub singing. They had a power outage last night and James couldn’t give him a bath.
– Jordan is playing with his toys in the tub and singing. Thank you Lord for my grandbaby. We miss Mika so; but we are pushing on. Thank you Lord God! Thank you!
– Justin is living somewhere else. I really miss him; but I know that he needs to be away for his own sake. Lord please help him and Melvin.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014 @ 10:31 pm
– Lord thank you for Justin helping me today. He really helped me. Bless him Lord. Help him to be prosperous, free, happy and saved. Lord bless Melvin to be prosperous, free, happy and saved. Lord please help my sons. Sometimes I get frustrated with them. But I love them so much. And I miss them being around more often. They have their lives to live and that is so good. But I miss them so much. That’s what happens when children grow up. They are busy and are not with parents so many hours a day anymore. The difference with having a daughter is that Mika called me every day. Sometimes two or three times a day. Sons don’t do that. Even when they live with you. Sons will go spend the night elsewhere for days and not call. But that’s ok. They are sons.
– Listening to the Bible on the tablet. The Psalms are blessing me. Also reading Joel Olsteen’s book, “You Can You Will.” It is a very good book.
– Thank you Lord.
Saturday, November 29, 2014 @ 10:25 am
– A morning of tears from missing Mika. I’m so unhappy.
– Can a person be content and unhappy at the same time?
– Giving up comes in like a flood.
– I’m so glad that Justin is here. I wish Melvin was here too.
– I love both of my sons. And I love my grandson and son-n-law too.
– Misery tries to cling when you need to have joy.
– These tears have been building up. Thanksgiving Day was nice. Yet memories came back. When Shawn showed us the dress that TaTa bought the baby, I thought of the day that one of my coworkers brought Tamika a dress to mama’s house on Webb when Tamika was a few weeks old. The dress was beautiful.
– Memories can bring joy and sadness. I really wish my memories would bring joy that overrides the sad thoughts that Mika is gone.
– While watching television last night, a commercial came on about a medication. They told of the side affects of people with various illnesses; and mentioned cautions of people with Sickle Cell Anemia. I got so angry; and thought that they never warned people with Sickle Cell Anemia while my daughter was alive. That’s so wrong.
1:33 pm
– After crying and sleeping for 3 hours; then eating and crying again; I can’t explain the extent of my bewilderment. It’s horrible. And so I cry.
My friends, thank you for joining me today. I’m so glad God helped me get through those tough times; and guided me to write throughout. The reminders of where I was, in comparison to where I am now; are helping me today.
Here are some questions for you: “Do you see how writing helps? Does rereading your journals help or hinder you? Can you see your strength during your toughest moments? How does God help you in your rough times?” What are your thoughts? I’d love to hear from you. We’ll talk soon.
Blessings!
Rochelle
