Part V – “Can You See Your Strength During Your Toughest Moments?”

Originally posted 2016-12-09 10:28:21.

Hi!

Everyone has good, wonderful, and peaceful seasons in their lives.  Some more often than others.  To the contrary, many people’s lives are filled with recurring storms.  ….Can you relate to either of these scenarios?  If so; which one?

Perhaps you’ve had continual seasons of turmoil, loss and disappointments.  Did the constant downers cause you to seriously doubt and question God?  In what ways did those rough times chip away at your faith, hope and joy?  Most importantly, how did you get your trust in God back?

Some people attribute their pathways to peace to their own doing.  Is that you?  Yes?  Well, let me ask a question.  If you were in a crisis, and the thought came to you to take a notepad out and write in the midst; who put the thought in your mind?  Was it the Spirit of the Lord?  I’ll venture to say, “Yes!”  If your answer is, “No, I thought of that on my own;” all I can say is, “Really?”

It takes God to place writing on your heart while you’re struggling with holding on.  It takes God to prompt you to journal your way through a whirlwind of pain.  Who wants to write when their hearts are overwhelmed?  May I venture to say, “Who NEEDS to write while facing mind-blowing circumstances?  Perhaps the answer is, “You!”

My friends, there’s a two-fold benefit to journaling.  Writing allows you to release.  Rereading your writing allows you to see your ups, downs, epiphanies; and your strengths and weaknesses.  Think about it.   When you journal; during intense times, doesn’t it cause you to relay heat of the moment thoughts on paper in a way that you may not say to people?  Have you ever reread your journal and said, “Wow, I didn’t realize that situation affected me the way it did?”  Or perhaps you said, “Lord I thank you for pushing me to pray when I could have loss my mind.  I didn’t notice the magnitude of my prayer life before reading my own journal.  Thank you Lord!”

My friends, you may hold some skepticism about keeping a journal.   But I beseech you to give it a try.   I’m not insinuating that you should write professionally.  Just write and see.  I attest to writing being therapeutic.  So, stay on this journey with me to see how The Lord can strengthen YOU during your most difficult times.

Here’s Part V:

Below is from:  Thoughts while Tamika was in ICU and after her transition on June 3, 2014.   (Feb 14, 2015, 6:40 am – Rename this writing – Mika Is Free??? or After Losing My Daughter: My New Normal???)

Sunday, July 13, 2014 @ 6:33 am

– I’ve been laying here for almost an hour musing over these feelings of being unloved.

– It’s a miserable feeling to love someone who doesn’t love you.  And that’s how I feel.  I love God but I don’t feel loved by God.  I feel forsaken.  But I won’t curse God.  I want to make it to Heaven.

– I am so miserable right now.  Even after going to the church yesterday and enjoying talking to Tanya all day.  I still had an ache in my heart for missing Mika.  My daughter is gone from this world and I’m still here.  It’s too hard.

Monday, July 14, 2014 @ 6:46 pm

– It’s time to let joy back into my life.

– I don’t remember when I had joy.  But I do know that it’s time for me to have joy.

– Lord I know that I am having a hard time believing that you will answer my prayers.  But I ask that you help me to let joy come into my life.  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being miserable. I do miss and ache for my daughter.  I am so disappointed Lord.  But please give me joy.  Please help me Lord.  I’m so tired of being miserable.  I’m so tired Lord.  Help me Lord.  Please help me Lord. Please.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014 @ 5:44 pm

– Thank God,  I have found my voice.
– Some people feel as if you are being combative.  But speaking your voice allows you to not be bitter.
– Get rid of stuff that you are harboring.
– Don’t give life to the fight.

– The offense you incurred has a root.  Get rid of the root.  Listening to TD Jakes’ message, Faith to Forgive.
– Get rid of the bitterness, doubt, suspicion, negativity that you have due to offences that you incurred.
– You don’t have to keep the people; you don’t have to get rid of the people.  Just get rid of the bitterness.
– I see now that I am not bitter towards Angie and Q.  I just don’t want to keep them in my life.
– I released them from my space so that I can stay free.
–  I love them both.  But I don’t want to deal with them.
– Lord forgive my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me.

– I need to read Luke 17.  Faith to Forgive.

– Lay aside every weight Rochelle.

– Throw off whatever is on you; so God can take you where He wants to.

– Nobody is worth you missing all your blessings.

– God wants to release you; unclog your heart, so that He can take you where He wants you to go.

– Lord I hope and I believe that I have forgiven all that have offended me.

– How do I forgive?
1. Forgiveness is not a feeling.  It is a decision.  Don’t be controlled by your feelings.  Forgiveness is not about weakness.  It is about me getting control back in my life, and when I see you it doesn’t affect my behavior.  When you make a decision, I am going to resist the temptation that I won’t be controlled by feelings.  When you first forgive them, you won’t feel like you have forgiven. Consistently cast down those emotions.

– Rochelle you cut them off.  But you are no longer angry.

Wednesday, July 17, 2014 @ 9:53 pm

– As I watch a movie on the Hallmark channel about a time during World War II, and people are dreading letters that said that their loved one had been killed, injured or hurt in the war; it comes on my mind that no one ever wants that dreaded word.  “Your loved one is dead.”   But I received those dreaded words about my daughter on Tuesday night, June 3, 2014.  My only daughter Tamika died.

– Lord please help me.  Please help me. This is so hard.  My heart is so broken.

– Lord, I accept what you allowed.  I really do.

Friday, July 18, 2014 @ 10:37 am

– As I sit here in Farmington Hills library reading time with Jordan, I thank you Lord for these programs for children.

– There is a mother with a deformed child; and I see that there are people dealing with trauma and frustrations on a daily basis.  I do have a lot to be thankful for.

– Jordan has finally started listening to the librarian.

– It’s approx 30 children in here; supposedly 3 to 5 year-old.  But there are some younger children in here.

– These are wonderful activities for children.

– Though my head hurts tremendously, I am enjoying watching my grandson play.

– Jordan puts his fingers in his mouth a lot.  Is that a sign of needing his mommy?

– I just heard a little Chinese toddler speak in her native tongue and laugh.  It was so interesting.  I love to learn.

Saturday, July 19, 2014 @ 3:33 pm

– Today was filled with tears and sleep.  I don’t know how to get pass this.  Lord I need your help.

– I haven’t felt this type of pain since my mother first left and ran from the law. There was a tearing in my heart that took years to mend.  Then mama died and that slightly mended rip was reopened. Now with my daughter’s death, that tear is now a gaping hole that aches morning, noon, evening, midnight and dawn.  It hasn’t ceased.  Lord I don’t know what to do.  I’m lost and don’t know which way to go.  Every where I turn, it seems as though there is nowhere to be found. This place is not frightening.  It’s just a place where I don’t care.  What’s the use?  There is no hope in this place.  There is no joy in this place.  There is only love for my sons, grandson and son-in-law and Mika’s three friends and Loriel and DaVun and Nikki and Valente, Angie and Belinda and Sheila and Chatlee and everyone else in St Louis; and Bishop and First Lady in this place.

– There is no comfort in this place.  There is no peace in this place.  There is no hope in this place.

4:41 pm

– What do you do when you’ve been let down and disappointed by the one that you were certain would never let you down?

– People have mistreated, disappointed, misused, double-crossed, forsaken, rejected and walked out on you.  But your comfort has been in the one that will never leave you or forsake you.  But now what?  What do you do when you have been disappointed and let down by the only one you can truly depend upon?

– Suicide is not an option.  Cursing God is not an option.  Don’t want to go to hell for eternity.  This world has no joy.  Serving God is not joyous at this time.  Going back into serving sin is not an option.  I was miserable in the world serving sin.  So now what?   Just stuck.  Just caught in a quandary of nothingness.  A quandary of what’s the use.  Total hopelessness is ever before me.

5:18 pm

– How long will I have to pay for my past sins?  How long will I have to suffer?  How long will I have to endure this crushing?  How long?  53 years is more than a half of a century.  That’s a long time to suffer one trauma after another.  From what I was told, I came in the world enduring trauma.  Being a breached baby, the doctors used forceps to deliver me and I was born with my head caved in.  Why so much trauma?   Then an environment of trauma.   Watching mama being beat; and me choked by my daddy.   He expressed hatred towards me.   But I survived the trauma.   But why so much trauma?

– Being beat repeatedly by W. J., even while pregnant.  But I survived.

– Being put out on the streets with my children by my own first cousin.  But I survived.

– I survived and overcame all of that; Lord with your help.

– But now, this devastating trauma of losing my oldest child and only daughter makes the past a cakewalk.  This is too hard for me.  Don’t know if I will survive this.  Don’t see any hope for an exit from this pain.

6:50 pm

– Belinda from St Louis called.  She said, “The Lord says you take comfort in knowing that Mika is resting in The Lord.  She is in comfort waiting on us to come and see her.   Rochelle you are not forsaken.  God had you in his arms.  He answered her prayers.  He came and got her.”

And she loved us.  She loved God, and she was tired.  She fought a good fight and now has victory and now she is with The Lord.  She prayed for you and her husband, her son and her brothers.  She died with that assurance that God was going to take care of her husband her son and her brothers.  She prayed.  She knew.  Thank you Jesus.

Monday, July 21, 2014 @ 6:57 am

– What’s worrying me?  It’s what Justin talked about last night.  He really stated that he can be his own preacher.  He is developing a spirit of rebellion and know it all.  Lord please help him.  He also talked of Melvin’s dilemma.  Lord please help him.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014 @ 5:42 am

– As I sit here waiting on James to bring Jordan, I think of Tamika’s memory and her legacy.  I miss my child.  I miss her resting at my house.  I miss her calling her mommy.   I miss my daughter.

– I am tired of feeling this overwhelming sadness and sense of helplessness.  Lord please help me.  Please Lord.

Friday, July 25, 2014 @ 9:25 am

– This week of NCJ Holy Convocation has truly been a blessing.  I am so excited about being back at a place of praising God and asking God to help me to be thankful for life, and asking God to help me to believe.  Thank you Lord

– As I read the book, “25 Ways of Winning with People,” the thought came to me that The Lord knew I would be sitting here with my grand baby.  He knew  his mommy would be dead before I had the brain aneurysm.  The Lord knew that Jordan would need me and to already be close to me.  The Lord knows the end from the beginning.  He knew that I would be sitting here on this sofa wondering what He wants of me.  He knew that I would experience four brain surgeries before I was even born.

– Wow!  Lord!  You knew that I would start to hunger for your Word when I was talking silly and didn’t want to read due to being disappointed because my precious daughter passed away.  You knew Lord.  Thank you Lord for placing a hallelujah down inside of me; and for helping me to draw from the wells of salvation.  Thank you Lord!  I love you Lord!

Monday, July 28, 2014 @ 10:21 am

Watching Joyce Meyer.  It is really blessing me.

– Understand who God says you are.
– Understand that you are a representative of God.  When you know who you are, you will know what to do.
– Excellence is not extravagance.
– Are we serious about God?
– Are we fully obedient to God?
– God wants us serious about Him.
– Let your life speak for you.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014 @ 6:15 am

– What’s worrying me this morning?  Is it the bills?  Is it the thought of living on this earth without Mika?  Is it the anticipation of having to deal with the conflict of scheduling at the church?   Is it my car?  Is it the frustration surrounding how James will feel about my changing Mika’s number; and giving her phone to Justin; so that he could not have to be at some one’s mercy and them continuously turning his phone off and his helping me pay the bill?   Is it the impending soul winning training?   Is it the NCJ Women’s Leadership conference?   Is it my sons?   Is it my grandson?   What is it?

Wednesday, July 30, 2014 @ 5:41 am

– As I sit here waiting on James to drop Jordan, I hope that A is alright.  He has been locked up since Monday night for drunk driving and no license.  My car was impounded.  That has to be why I woke up yesterday in distress.  Lord, please help my son.  It will take $800 to get him out of Wayne County.  And he has other warrants in Southfield.  Lord, you know what I have.  Please help Lord.

9:56 am

– A is in Wayne County.  He just called and told me that if they don’t get him out of Hamtramck, he will be there until October.  I’m concerned.  This is bothering me.  My chest is starting to hurt.  But I have got to stop worrying.  How?  How Lord?  Please make a way for my son to get out of there.   Lord please.   I can’t take this.  Please Lord.  Please Lord.  Please Lord.

My friends, thank you for walking with me on this road of hills and valleys.  Here are questions.  “Can you see how The Lord strengthens during your weakest hours?  Do you see how merciful God is; in spite of your doubts?  Do you believe your strengths shine through during your toughest moments?  Do you believe writing is therapeutic?”  What are your thoughts?  I’d love to hear from you.

Thanks again. We’ll talk soon,

Blessings!

Rochelle