Part VI – “Can You See Your Strength During Your Toughest Moments?”

Hi!

How easy do you get over it?   I guess you are saying, “What is it?”  Well “it” might be anything.  But whatever “it” is; the way to get over it varies.  Some of us get over “it” through hiding the Word of God in our hearts.  Others experience temporary, pseudo deliverance through alcohol, joints, blunts, or even heated relationships.  Then they find themselves back in the midst of sulking over “it.”  But many of us push through by meditating on the scriptures, praying, and writing.  …Yet, the thing about writing is; when we reread what we’ve written, we have to make sure that we don’t get stuck in the past.

As I cut and paste my thoughts from what I wrote during the worst time in my life, I hear a constant reminder from The Spirit of The Lord.  “Stay focused Rochelle.  See your strong prayer life in the midst.  See how The Lord kept your mind in the midst.  Allow your love for The Lord to grow now as you see how He was with you back then.  Don’t let the pain of what you went through creep into your thoughts and take up residence in your current season of discovery.”  Whew!  

That gives me so much confirmation.  There IS purpose in journaling.  Writing IS therapeutic.  This IS NOT a waste of time.  What do you think?

During your devastating times, God will allow your writing to propel your pain from the corridors of your mind unto an outside canvas.   The receptacles of your innermost thoughts might be your phone, your iPad, or a small notebook.  imageWhatever it is; know that there is a reason God has you to write.  Because; if He tells you to share with others; you will see cleansing taking place in you as you obey God.  You’ll start to feel lighter as your transparency drops the weights; while it simultaneously bares witness of your flaws and your dependence upon The Lord.  You’ll uncover your strength as you shed the loads.   So my friends, stay on this journey with me to see how The Lord can strengthen YOU during your most difficult times.

Here’s Part  VI:

Below is from:  Thoughts While Tamika was in ICU and After Her Transition June 3, 2014.  (Feb 14, 2015, 6:40 am – Rename this writing – Mika Is Free??? or After Losing My Daughter: My New Normal???)

Friday, August 1, 2014 @ 6:18 am

– As I lay on the love seat while Jordan is asleep on the sofa, I worry.

– James couldn’t find his phone when he dropped Jordan off; and I can feel his frustration.  Lord help him.  Please.  He is already dealing with the lost of the love of his life; and with having to get Jordan through this with out Tamika.  Please help him Lord.  Please help him to pray to you all day today.

– Lord please help Justin.  He is trying to find his way.  Help him Lord.  Please.

– Lord please help Melvin.  He doesn’t know how to find his way.  Help him Lord. Please.

– Lord please help Jordan.  He misses his mommy.  Please help him Lord.

– Lord please help V.   He is caught up Lord.  Please help him Lord.  Please.

Saturday, August 2, 2014 @ 5:56 pm

img_1108– Oh how I miss Mika.

– As soon as I got in my car to go home after the witnessing training, I got sad and missed Mika.  Lord please help me.  Please Lord.  Please Lord.  Please Lord.

Monday, August 4, 2014 @ 11:10 am

– Lord I miss my daughter.  She was the only child I had that refused to disrespect her mother.
– Today Justin slammed the door and hollered at me; because he was mad about having to call someone.  Lord I’m tired.  I want him to be ok.  But I am tired of his rudeness.  I love my sons so much Lord.  Perhaps Justin’s rudeness is really a cry.  He’s hurting over the loss of his sister.  Lord please help him.

7:06 pm

– Went to the library today.  Z asked James if she can pick up Jordan at 12:00 pm and take him to the zoo with her nieces.  She texted me at 8:30 a.m. and asked if she can get him at 10:00 a.m., and bring him back at 4:00 pm.  I told her to bring him back at 2:30 p.m.   Though Jordan cried, and didn’t want to go; I told him to go on to play with the other children.  When they got back, Jordan told me that no one else went with him and Z.   I don’t trust manipulators.

– I’m reading a book entitled, “God Knows You’re Grieving.”  This book is helping me to realize that I need to ask God to give me the strength to fight when I need to fight.  Give me the strength to accept what I need to accept, and the wisdom to know the difference.

– Tamika’s death has caused me to not know who I am anymore.  10-More-Simple-Questions_web-286x286I used to be the mother of three.  A daughter and two sons.  Now I am the mother of three without the daughter.  I’m missing a part of me.  Everything I knew has fallen apart.

8:43 pm

– Mika was tired.  She was ready to go.  Lord forgive me for not letting go when she said that she wanted hospice.  Lord I miss my daughter.

– Sometimes we can be selfish by not letting go of our loved ones.  I didn’t know how I was to go on and live without her.  I still don’t know.  There is a permanent hole in my life.  My life has been powerfully affected by Mika’s departure from this earth.

9:51 pm

– As I read this book on grieving and it talks about how major losses remind you of other losses, I think of how loss has been such a major part of my life.  The most recent loss before the loss of my daughter was losing Tee Steak and the effects of the aneurysm.

– No longer working a nine-to-five; and not having all those employees was a major loss.

– I didn’t realize how I’ve been grieving those recent losses along with the loss of my parents and brothers.  Now losing my daughter has topped it all off.

Thursday, August 7, 2014 @ 2:40 pm

– As I sit on the swing in the play area of my townhouse, Jordan is playing with his friend.

– Today has been a headache day.  But I haven’t cried heavily.  Thank you Jesus.  But I asked God ‘Why” today.  Why did my baby girl have to die?

– I really miss Mika; so very much.  As I now sit in the grass it feels like I am at the park.  The shade is right here and I am out of the sun.

– Lord I want to find joy in you so very much.

Friday, August 8. 2014 @ 7:19 am

– Lord, I miss my daughter so very much right now.  Could this be Jordan feeling this way.  I just scolded him for acting bad.

– Lord help us.  Please.

Mila (Black and White Top)– I will just look at her pictures this morning.

– I just looked at a picture of our family when Justin was a toddler and Tamika was 8.  I never thought that Tamika would die some 25 years later.

– Lord please help me.

Monday, August 25. 2014 @ 2:57 am

Just cried for two hours and threw books.  Now read the thoughts about Mika.  Listened to Tremaine Hawkins’ “Going Up Yonder.”  The song didn’t help.  Now listening to songs on Dreams.  They are helping.

It’s time to go to sleep.  Jordan will be here in 2 hours 40 minutes.

Lord I love you.  Even in this pain.

Saturday, August 30, 2014 @ 10:09 am

– The morning after the day that would’ve been Tamika’s 34th birthday.

– Lord I miss her so much.

– There is no one to talk to.  Having to be strong for everyone else.  But no one for me to breakdown to.  I’m just tired.  These tears just will not stop.  I’m so tired.

– Going to Flint last night was ok.  It was nice being among the saints.  I’m so tired.

– I’m so tired.  My head aches on the side where the surgery was.  I’m so tired.

– Lord, there is no person to talk to.  So I’ll talk to you.  Do you really care Lord?  Does it matter at all to you Lord?

5:01 pm

– If God knows that I’m grieving, then why won’t he help me?   I’m in pain, and it doesn’t seem to be getting better.

– Why is there no one to talk to unless I have to go pay a doctor to psycho-analyze me?  Why?

– I no longer have my daughter.  I no longer have my true friend.  We talked every day.  What now?   Where do I go now?

Sunday, August 31, 2014 @ 8:22 am

– 34 years ago, my baby girl would have been two days old.  We were in Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit; and I would have been watching the nurses help me learn to change her diaper.

– She was such a doll baby.

– I am so full of loss right now until its hard to concentrate on being thankful for the time that I had with my baby girl.

– This loss is unbelievable.  I am stunned still.  Not Tamika?  Not my precious daughter?  Not Jordan’s mommy?  Not Justin and Melvin’s sister?image  Not James’ wife?

– Accepting this is still like looking at a shadow.  It’s still like being asleep and sleep walking.  It’s too unreal.  Can somebody please wake me up?

Monday, September 1, 2014 @ 12:34 pm

– Another 1st without my precious daughter being alive.

– We went through the 1st Fourth of July.

– Then the 1st missing of celebrating her birthday on August 29, 2014.

– Now the 1st Labor Day.  Lord I really miss my daughter.  This is way too hard for me.

– I just don’t know how to do this.  It’s way too hard.  Lord please help me.  I need you Lord.  Please help me.

2:44 pm

– I just don’t feel loved by God right now.  I feel forsaken by God.  Why do other’s prayers get answered and their loved ones remain alive?   But my daughter died.  Other people testify of God’s miracles.  But I prayed and my daughter died.  My daughter died.  My daughter suffered and died.

– How is that love?  How does loving me include so much pain.  I just don’t feel loved.

– God why have you forsaken me?  Why?

– Is it because of my past sins?  Will I go to Heaven?  I hope so; and I hope it’s soon.

– I’m tired.  I’m tired of handling bills alone.  I’m tired of worrying about my sons’ problems.  I’m tired of hurting. Hurting from the loss of my daughter. Hurting from not feeling loved by God. Hurting from pain that my grand baby is dealing with.  Hurting from feeling like happiness will never come.  Hurting from seeing my sons being distraught.  Hurting from seeing my son-in-law suffer.  Hurting from losing my only daughter; and only true friend.  Hurting from having a brain aneurysm and dealing with less wages.  Hurting from so many losses.  Hurting from having no one to talk to about my hurt and pain.  I’m just tired.

4:48 pm

– Oh Lord, please forgive me for being frustrated about other’s miracles.  Tamika is gone now.

– Nikki just called and said that Evon has had a stroke and is bleeding in her brain. Lord please, please save Evon.  Let her come through this.  She was stabbed in her neck last night.  Lord, please bring Evon through this.  She has two little girls and a husband.  And she needs to be saved.  Lord please bring Evon through.  Heal her Lord.   Please heal her Lord.  Please Lord.   Please Lord.  Please.

6:09 pm

– Praying Lord please look on Evon

– Back to reading book “God Knows You’re Grieving” again.

– Please Lord.  Look on Evon

“To suppress feeling is to deprive knowledge of its point.  To be afraid of feelings is to be afraid of finalities, of ever getting anywhere.”  Robert Johann

– Wow!   As I read this book, I realize how much I have been grieving these last 5+ years of my job due to the aneurysm; and grieving my complete income.  I’ve been grieving the loss of Tee and Mrs. Parson.  These are the losses in the last five years.  And now my precious daughter.  Lord I really need help.

Well, my friends; thank you for joining me as I prepare for my next season.  Releasing these thoughts in this forum is causing me to feel such excitement.  Praise God!

….Here are some questions:  “Do you see a need to journal?  Do you see how releasing pain through writing benefits the writer, and the reader?   Can you see your strength during your toughest moments?”  What are your thoughts?  I’d love to read your thoughts about this subject.  We’ll talk soon.

Blessings!

Rochelle

 

 

Originally posted 2016-12-12 12:00:44.

Comments: 2

  1. Olivia Williams says:

    Reading and counting the many times you said…”please Lord please, none of us are exempt from asking the Lord for the same thing over and over. Yes, He hears you and in the midst of it all you are yet concerned for others. In due time or season He gives us the peace, understanding and assurance we need and only He can give. Please Lord bless the writer as she shares her struggle and how you are bringing her out. ??????

    • Rochelle L. says:

      Thank you Sister Olivia for understanding the, Please Lord.” And, thank you for your prayers. It is my prayer that The Lord will allow my testimony to bless those who read. God bless you!!

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