Part VII – “Can You See Your Strength During Your Toughest Moments?”

Hi!

How often do you second guess yourself?  Not much?  That’s great.  So let me ask; “Do you find yourself inundated with doubt from time to time?”  Sometimes?  …What do you do?  If you’re a very private person, you might just keep those thoughts to yourself.  Or do you talk it over with a confidante?  Perhaps you are a loner; or you hold a position where people look to you for answers; and there’s no one to talk to about your doubts and apprehensions.  What do you do?  Bottle it all up and literally go cuckoo; or snap at everyone because of your inner turmoil?

Have you ever started something, and midway through, you wanted to quit?  Especially when you ran into so many obstacles and roadblocks.  Maybe you’re the one who’ve secretly thrown up your hands and said, “This is nonsense.  I’m wasting my time.”  But the thing is; you didn’t tell anybody.  You just wrote it down.  Why?  Why did you write about it?  I venture to say that it was a subconscious necessity.  No matter what trepidation you dealt with; whether you knew it or not; there was something you needed to discover up the road; by rereading what you wrote.

But how is looking at your past writings moving you forward?  Most people would view that as going backwards. But I beg the differ.  Sometimes, when you take a retrospective glance back; you will learn more about you.  You see your perseverance; your tenacity; your tolerance level; your vigor; and your fervent passion to succeed.

imageYou will notice how God has answered some of your prayers.  How He helped family members that you prayed for.  Oh yes He did!  Because today, you witness their growth and change for better.  Today you see how God helped you; even while you were frustrated with Him.  You didn’t see it when you were writing about the situation.  But, now you see how He has even changed how you view people.  Think about it.  If you had not written your feelings back then; now, years later, you may not be able to recognize your own growth and renewed perspective.

This let’s you know that writing is not just a form of release and therapy; but writing shows you how you’ve changed and how God has answered prayers.  It fuels your confidence in your new.  So, my friends stay with me on this journey.  It’s a little long; but if anything reminds you of your path; allow God to show YOU your strength in the midst of your own journey. 

Here’s Part VII:

Taken from:  Thoughts While Tamika was in ICU and After Her Transition (Feb 14, 2015, 6:40 am – Rename this writing – Mika Is Free??? or After Losing My Daughter: My New Normal???)

Wednesday, September 3, 2014  @ 10:10 am

– Evon was pronounced dead today.  Oh Lord, please help her husband and two small girls; her mother and the rest of her family.

– As I read this book, “God Knows You’re Grieving,” I see that it is time to find me again.  What do I enjoy doing?   Go get some dirt and re-pot your plants Rochelle.  Realize that you share life in common with those around you.

– Now that I know that my life can be turned upside down in an instant, I’m ready to enjoy my life now.

Thursday, September 4, 2014 @ 7:37 am

– I just read the last entry from yesterday.  But today, my television is messing up.  It’s the only one that I have.  Why?   Why another problem?

– If it’s not one problem, it’s another?   I need money for another TV.  I can’t go back to work right now due to the brain surgeries’ after effects; the numbness on my left side, and the headaches.  There is a pulling in my head now.   I’m so tired of these problems.

– I need help.  I really need help.  Justin paid on the phone bill.  I’m glad about that.

– I really don’t want to move into an apartment.  I’d like to stay here until it’s time to buy a condo.  I need help.

– My car will be paid off in September.  I plan to get it fixed in October.  Lord please let my car hold up.  I know that the thought of praying was useless earlier.  But praying is all I know to do.

– Lord I haven’t lost belief in your ability or your sovereignty.  But I just don’t think I am one of your favored or loved children.  Loss is a major constant in my life.  It’s continuous.

– I was abandoned by my daddy growing up; and even in my young adulthood.  He was in the house when I was a child.  But he forsook me.

– So is the same now.  I feel forsaken by my Heavenly Father.  Just abandoned.  I’m 53 now.  I just want to make it to Heaven.

img_0281– Now that Tamika is gone, there is no one.  I don’t know what’s happening with my youngest.  And my oldest son is upstairs still laying down after I went upstairs and asked him about the TV being messed up.  I’m not angry with him though.  It’s frustrating.  His shoes are all at the front door.  I’m tired Lord.  Just tired.  I love him Lord.

Monday, September 8, 2014 @ 10:57 pm

– I really miss my daughter.   I really, really miss my daughter.

– I have mixed feelings about this trip.  I really will miss my little man.  Jordan is my heart.  Grandchildren are wonderful.  I love my sons.

Saturday, September 13, 2014 @ 12:55 pm

– Lord I thank you for this day.  I am on the flight back from Virginia Beach.  The conference was wonderful.  Last night I thought about going home and got sad.   I thought about returning back to dealing with life without Tamika.  Lord I miss my daughter so much.  It is so terrible to have to live without her.  Coping is almost unbearable.

– Speaking on that panel was life changing.  I was so intimidated before sitting up there.  I thought of the positions and accomplishments of the women; and felt like a failure.  But God showed me more of who I am those two days.  God has invested a great deal of wisdom and knowledge into me; and I am grateful.  I also felt the pain and hurts of the women; and saw the need of praying for women everywhere.  Lord, I pray that you will help F. E.  Her esteem is very, very low.  Help her Lord.  She is broken.  Save her Lord.  Heal her Lord.  Please.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014 @ 11:22 am

– As I sit here on the sofa while Jordan dances to Matty B; I think of studying about Heaven.   There is a tugging in my spirit to study about Heaven since my daughter passed away.

– Yesterday as I listened to James’ words of pain.  My heart goes out to him.  His pain has been with him since he was a little boy.  He is feeling abandoned all over again.  Lord help him to heal.  Help him to forgive those who abandoned him.  Help him to turn to you dear Lord.  Help him.  Help him to know that you sent Tamika into his life; and that you can help him through this time of pain.

– Lord help Justin and Melvin.  They are hurting so about their sister.  Lord help us all.

– Help Jordan Lord.  He misses his mommy.  He needs his mommy Lord.

– Lord help me.  Our Lives have changed drastically.

– Certain things that used to be major to me are now insignificant.  I no longer worry about failures, etc.  Now I think of making it in to Heaven.  That is what is priority to me.  Seeing Jesus and spending eternity with God is priority.

– I no longer care about small church fights; and battling with idiotic personalities.

– Seeing Jesus is priority.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014 @ 7:47 am

– It’s time to wake Jordan up for school.  I just slept for 45 minutes, after crying about Mika.   I also cried about how disappointed I am with God for allowing Mika to suffer and die.  This grief is overwhelming me.

– How is this love?   How?   We (James, Jordan, Justin, Melvin and me), we’re so hurt.  Mika was an intricate part of our lives.  I feel as though someone has ripped a part of my insides out.   My baby girl is dead.   lossOh Lord.   I need help.  The tears won’t stop today.

11:53 am

– As I sit here waiting on Jordan’s class to open so that the parents, grandparents and caregivers can pick the children up, I am bombarded with thoughts.  Being a loner has been the dominant characteristic that has followed me all of my life.  How do I embrace today without the pain of loss?   Mika’s death consumes me.  Our family loss consumes me.   I want to cry.   But all of these people will look; and some who know that I loss my daughter will start talking about it.   I just don’t want Jordan sad from seeing his GaGa crying outside of his classroom.

– So I write.  Who am I writing to?   Who am I talking to?   The friend that sticks closer than a brother has totally disappointed me.   I am afraid to let go.  And I am afraid to grab hold.   I just don’t know what to do anymore.   It’s too hard.  The pain is too great.

– Lord please help me.   I don’t want to lose it.   Please help me.   So I search.  I search for understanding.  I search for peace with it all.  I search for contentment.

Thursday, September 18, 2014 @ 6:12 am

– I’m watching a movie; and a lady just said, “There are a lot of paths to happy.  You should just choose one of them.”

image– I need to choose a path to happy.  Lord help me.

9:15 pm

– I am so ready for new.  New is on the way.

– I need a friend to talk to.  I miss my daughter sooooooooooo much.  She was my only real friend.  J. B., my childhood friend is not saved.  Talking to her is not an option.  S. E  is my sister. Talking to her about my innermost secrets is not an option.

– The movie, “Jumping the Broom,” was so good.  That young lady had heartache and bliss on the same day.   Happiness is what I want.

Friday, September 19, 2014 @ 6:32 am

– On the love-seat while Jordan sleeps on the sofa.  Worry is ever before me.   What is it?

– Is it my youngest?   Is it the car?   Is it the bills?   Is it Jordan not feeling well?  What or who is it?   Is it seeing those people and animals all around on yesterday?   Is it the thoughts of the impending GRE test?   Is it the essay?   Is it the paper on the Holy Spirit?   Is it going to sleep last night here alone?   What is causing this anxiety?

– Lord help me to be anxious for nothing?

– is it the constant pain in my breast?  What is it?

– Is it not having my daughter to talk to during these difficult times?   Is it my left thumb being numb for over three weeks?  What is it?

Monday, September 22, 2014 @ 7:23 am

– As I lay on the love seat, and Jordan sits on the sofa playing the tablet, I think of my baby girl being dead.

– Oh Lord it’s so hard to grasp the fact that Tamika is dead.  Oh how I miss my daughter.   I feel so alone.

– Parents raise children.  Then things like brain aneurysms occur when parents have to depend upon their children.  Then there were none.

– But parents also have a sense of accomplishment when their children have accomplished a measure of success.  Then there were none.

– I was so happy for Tamika.  She earned a Bachelors degree; img_1111got married; bought a house; had a son; became a teacher; and earned a Masters degree.  I was so happy for her.  Oh how I wanted to see her grow older to see her son grow up.  Now she’s gone.  She’s with The Lord.  Now another woman will be Jordan’s mommy.  Lord please let the young woman that James chooses, love you, love James, and love Jordan.  Don’t let her be desperate for acceptance.  Let her have sense; not be lazy; and be able to make a home for James and Jordan.  Help them Lord.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014 @ 8:33 am

– Laying on the love seat while Jordan sits in his chair playing on the tablet.

– I am so ready for something new.  The conversation with James yesterday brought to light my suspicions of my oldest son’s animosity towards me.

– He has to stop blaming me for his failures.  He has to stop using excuses of why he does things today on having to move so much as a boy.  He didn’t realize that my moving was partially due to trying to get away from their dad; and from the pain of my mother being on the run.  I was running from my own pain; and running into repeated financial dilemmas.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014 @ 11:28 am

– Waiting on results of how much it will cost for my car repair.  I am so thankful to James for helping me.  But Lord, please help my sons to find employment so that they can be alright.

– The one child that was responsible and dependable is gone.  Perhaps I need to let go of this sense of failure that I have because of the problems concerning my sons.  I really want them to give their lives to Jesus.

Saturday, September 27, 2014 @ 10:17 am

– Laying in the bed with excruciating headache.  Lord please help me

– Oh how I miss my daughter.  Yesterday when James picked up Jordan and we gave James his birthday cards, James hugged Jordan and told Jordan thank you.  Then James dropped his head and said, “This day is so terrible.”  Lord please help him.  He misses Mika so much.

– Lord help us.  I miss my daughter so much.  Yesterday was my Mother’s birthday also.  Losing my loved ones has chipped pieces of my heart.  My brothers, my mommy, my dad and now my precious baby girl.  This hurts way too bad.

3:10 pm

– I’ve been sitting in this kitchen for 3 hours; crying, playing game, crying, eating peanuts and crying. Oh how my heart just aches for Mika.  This loss is too much.  Lord please help me.  Don’t let me backslide.  Help me to hold on to you dear Lord.  Please help me Lord.  Please.

– I’ve dreamed about Mika almost every night this week.  All were with us being in a new place.  She was pushing me to more.  Lord I miss my precious daughter.  I really miss her so much.

– Lord please forgive me for saying that you don’t love me.  I believe that you love me.

Sunday, September 28, 2014 @ 7:03 pm

– I woke up this morning and cried after going to sleep crying.  Lord I miss my daughter.  I really miss her a lot.

– The enemy attacked my mind so last night.  But this morning after crying, I prayed to you and praised you dear Lord. Thank you for helping me.

– Then I was asked to pray the prayer of consecration at church.  At first I wanted to say, “No.”  But The Lord told me to do it; and I sat in service praying to God as the time drew near for me to pray.

– After I sat down, the enemy tried to attack me with the words, “You messed up.  You didn’t say this right.  The people heard you stutter; etc., etc.”  But The Lord helped me to rebuke those negative thoughts.

– How?  My grief and pain for missing Mika outweighs any subtle attack from the enemy.  Those fears after praying are trivial compared to what I am dealing with.

– This storm of grief is helping me to grow stronger in conquering the attacks of the devil.  I am trying to overcome this loss.  There is no time to entertain the taunting of the enemy.  Thank you Jesus.

Monday, September 29, 2014 @ 11:59 am

– Last night the pain of Mika’s loss coupled with frustration of dealing with church folk drove me to listen to the continuous taunting of the enemy.  I cried and called cousin H.

– H’s fussing helped me.  Even though some of the things she said were out of assumption and not from the perspective of ever having children.  She’s never had children, so she wouldn’t know how a mother feels.  But the words she said about God were on point.  Overall she helped.

– Yet as I meditated this morning, The Lord told me to seek Him for answers.

Well, my friends, thank you again for joining me as I prepare for my next season.  My apologies for the length.  Wow!  As I read today’s writing; The Lord showed me budding strength in the midst.  Praise God.

My questions to you; “Do you see purpose in keeping a journal?”  “Can you see your strength during your toughest moments?”    We’ll talk soon.

Blessings!

Rochelle

Originally posted 2016-12-15 22:05:31.

Leave a Reply