Part VIII – “Can You See Your Strength During Your Toughest Moments?”
Let’s face it. Sometimes rereading what you wrote during tough times brings PAIN. So why write? It’s therapeutic! But why not just write it; get it out; and throw it away? Nobody wants to drudge up old hurtful memories. Yes! That’s true. Yet, some of the memories aren’t painful; some are filled with happiness; and spurts of progress. Some show you how the enemy tried; but failed at trying to take you under. Also, when you read what you endured, it WILL remind you of how far you’ve come. There you have it. The answer to, “Why write?”
…Sharing this series of past thoughts has caused me to realize that I’ve always placed what was on my heart on paper. I remember, packing for one of me and my children’s many moves years ago. I was in the basement sorting things out to throw away old and unwanted things to lighten our load. I started reading my journals. I tore each one up; after I read them; and threw them away. WOW! As I ripped those pages to shreds; it literally felt like I was shedding pounds. That was the beginning of my freedom from the pain of a horrible past.
Writing is not only therapeutic; it serves as a historian, and a helper for you to see your progress. But, when you reread your innermost thoughts; and THEN you let it go; it validates writing as a tool in your cleansing process. …Freedom? You might ask? Yes! Freedom! My friends, and it’s happening now. So stay with me on this journey; and allow God to show YOU your strength in the midst of your toughest moments.
Here’s Part VIII:
Taken from: Thoughts While Tamika was in ICU and After Her Transition June 3, 2014. (Feb 14, 2015, 6:40 am – Rename this writing – Mika Is Free??? or After Losing My Daughter: My New Normal???)
Saturday, October 4, 2014 @ 9:45 am
– Another headache. Woke up at 7:05 this morning with this frustrating headache. Oh well. I am healed in Jesus’ name.
– Yesterday was the 4th month to the day that my precious daughter died. I didn’t even think of the anniversary of her death on yesterday. Thank you Jesus; even though I thought of my baby and cried at church when the guest preacher talked of watching his wife die from cancer. But he encouraged me by saying that he still depended on and loved The Lord. I raised my hands and said, “Yes Lord.” I really do love The Lord. Thank God for Pentecostal Explosion.
Sunday, October 12, 2014 @ 8:14 am
A copy of text sent to Justin and Melvin last night —- Sons, I’m watching a show on OWN with men who had multiple children by different women. One of the men is crying to his mother, who raised him as a single mom. These men are crying because of their hurt from not having a male role model. They are talking of addictions in multiple forms to fill the emptiness and void. This one young man resents his mother who couldn’t be there for him because she had to work and she was broken herself. He is crying and saying that he is tired of the pain and being in a dark place where there is no one to talk to. They are crying and forgiving each other. He is forgiving his mother for not being who he needed her to be. …..So I ask you both to forgive me for not being what you needed. I pray that The Lord will bless you with Godly role models; and be successful men. I love you both.
– I have been laying here in my bed since 7:15 praying, thinking and playing games on the tablet.
– I really miss my baby girl. Yet I am still looking forward to new.
– Today the church is going to dinner to honor Bishop and 1st Lady. I’m not going. Sister V was going to buy the ticket; but I just don’t want to go. Previous years I went with Tamika. She’s gone now. She’s dead. Wow! Tamika is dead. This is something that I never imagined would happen. This hurts so bad. I hate this….. Well hate is a strong word. Rather I am extremely frustrated with this. I really need help.
– Here comes the tears again. This is too much.
– A copy of text sent to Justin yesterday after he texted me while I was at church. We argued when I told him that he needs to help out around here more than what he is doing.
The TEXT……Justin, I did not fuss at u. I just talked to u about the needs in the house. U got angry and defensive. U aren’t the only one going through. I lost one of my children. I lost my oldest brother when I was twenty; I lost my mother at twenty-six; and raised three children without help. Now I have lost my only daughter. So I talk to The Lord. …Plz don’t send me texts checking me. I’m tired and have a headache. I love u n Melvin dearly n pray for u daily.
– As I read the above text, I hear the words. “Rochelle you need to move into an apartment or condo by yourself so that you can start new. You need peace; and will be able to seek peace when you move. Right now seek peace in the midst of this storm. It’s time for you to pursue your dreams full force, and pursue happiness full force. Your sons are going to do what they do until they change their hearts and minds to seek Jesus full force. You just work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.”
I say “Yes Lord!”
I hear The Lord telling me to stop feeling like a failure because of my sons’ actions. Rochelle you did all you can do. You raised them in church; and lived a life of serving The Lord before them. You didn’t have men over them as a saved single woman. You taught them to pray, and to read the Holy Bible. You took them to school and ensured that they ate, and had a roof over their heads. You showed them unconditional love, and talked to them about getting an education. You showed them by example of earning college degrees. You Rochelle ARE NOT a failure when it comes to your sons. They have choices; and it’s time for them to choose to serve The Lord.
– I went to Bishop and First Lady’s dinner. I sat with Aunt Jennie, Niecy, Pam, Martha and Kathryn. It was really fun to get out. Thank you Jesus for my son convincing me to go.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014 @ 9:48 pm
– I lay here in my bed having a hot flash. What’s all of the hoopla about menopause? The sweating is frustrating. But it’s not what people say about the tantrums, etc. It’s just something else to deal with. That’s all!
– And after my oldest son going off on me Saturday, there is a thickness in the air in this house. But I plead the blood of Jesus over every foul spirit in this house.
– I will be moving very soon. Thank you Jesus.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014 @ 5:04 pm
– I sit here on the bed praying and thinking. James picked up Jordan twenty minutes ago.
– Jordan saw me with a folder in my hand as we were leaving to take him to school, and he asked me if I was going to be the teacher today. I told him, “No.” He asked, “Why?” I told him that I don’t teach little children; that I teach grown-ups. He said that his mommy taught little children and that he went to his mommy’s class.
– I told Jordan that his mommy didn’t want to leave him. Her heart just stopped because she got sick; and that she loved him and daddy very much; and didn’t want to leave them. She loved him, daddy, GaGa, Uncle Justin, Uncle Melvin, Auntie Manda, Grandtee, Chad, Harmony, Zion, Grandma Mary, Papa, Grandma Leslie, Kierra, Kisha, Loriel, Biggie, Bishop, First Lady, and a lot of people.
Then Jordan said, “I wish mommy didn’t have to leave, and that she would come back.” I said, “Jordan your mommy really loved you a whole bunch.” Then I started reminding him of some of the things she would say and do. For instance; when she would fuss at him and say, “Jordan don’t talk to Mama like that.” Then he laughed and said, “Do it again GaGa.” I repeated it; and he laughed. And continued on to his school.
– Lord I really miss my daughter. I really miss her.
– It is hard living in a house with my oldest son living here and not talking to me. It’s uncomfortable. I love him dearly. Yet I am ready for him to move on out. He doesn’t speak and goes into his room. I need peace in my home Lord. Please fix this situation. Please help my son. Please help him to find his way and become successful through serving you.
Thursday, October 17, 2014 @ 5:58 am
– Laying on love seat while Jordan is on sofa.
– I love my sons. Lord please help them. Justin needs help. Melvin needs help. Jordan needs help. James needs help. Lord please help them. Please save their souls. Please help them during this time of grief. Please help them to find their way.
Sunday, October 19, 2014 @ 7:16 am
– As I lay here in bed listening to the Bible on my tablet; and thinking and praying; my sons are on my heart.
– Lord, please help A. Please make a way for him to be free. Free from Oakland County jail. Free from Wayne County jail; and free from the grips of the enemy. Please shield him and protect him. Please dear Lord. Please Lord help my son. Touch his mind. Cover him with your blood. Heal his heart. Save his soul. Help him to find his path to righteousness and his career.
– Lord please help L. Help him to find the path to righteousness and his career. Don’t let him get locked up. Free him Lord from the grips of the enemy in every area. Help him to know that the felony won’t hinder him from pursuing what’s right. Give him peace and joy. Free him Lord. Free his mind. Help him to know that you love him Lord. Please Lord.
– Oh how I miss Mika. Please Lord help me. My heart aches for my three children, Jordan and James.
– This headache has persisted for two days. Please help me Lord.
– My heart aches for my sons. Oh Lord. Please help them.
Monday, October 20, 2014 @ 6:57 am
– It’s Jordan’s birthday. He is now 4 years-old. Praise God! I thank God that the joy of seeing my grandson being older outweighs the pain of knowing that his mommy didn’t live to see him today. I really miss Mika. Yet I know that it’s Jordan’s day; and I refuse to let sadness dampen his day. Thank you Jesus! This is growth for me. This grief is not consuming me; at least not today; or not right now.
– Yesterday at the annual dinner on pastoral anniversary day, I felt very sad and almost cried. Tamika is deceased. Justin and Melvin are somewhere unknown. James and Jordan didn’t come either. So I felt all alone with no family. But I ended up having a good time. Bea, Angel, Nykinta, Tyra and Keevin sat with me. We ate, laughed and talked. I really enjoyed talking to them.
– As I think about that; I hear The Lord telling me to learn to enjoy myself in this new place. I always have Jesus with me. I am never alone. This is a breakthrough for me. Thank you Jesus!
– Thank you Jesus! My son is okay. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus.
– I was just thinking that this is the worst year of my life. My only daughter is dead.
– I thought when mama ran from the law; and we didn’t know where she was; that was the worst pain. And when she died; that was the worst pain.
– I thought when Bobby died; it was the worst pain.
– I thought when my youngest got locked up a couple of years ago; that it was the worst. And when my oldest son got locked up; that it was the worst.
– But now, I truly have experienced the most excruciating pain I have ever known. This hole in my heart; this void in my very being is a constant pain. It’s so painful. I am just in pain. This is too much.
– Oh Lord this is too much. To lose one of your children is like no other pain. It goes beyond excruciating. It surpasses the pain from abuse, abandonment, rejection; even the after effects of an aneurysm and brain surgery. It’s way too much for a mere human being to endure. It’s total torture.
– Will happiness ever arrive at the door of my heart?
Tuesday, October 21, :2014 @ 4:45 pm
A copy of text that I sent to my children January, 2014
– I just heard TD Jakes say, “Any time exceptional people get around ordinary thinking people, there will always be conflict. Don’t try to get along with people who think ordinary. God made you to be exceptional.” …This helps me so much; because I’ve been dealing with ordinary thinking people and lollipops; and it’s frustrating. But rather than being so frustrated, I’m gonna just keep doing what God has called me to do; and just pray for ordinary thinking people.
Thursday, October 23, 2014 @ 11:07 am
– Bible study last night was wonderful. Bishop mentioned how we are to make a covenant with ourselves. This reminded me of how I determined to pay my tithe consistently in obedience to God; and to direct my thoughts and conversations on positive thoughts. Lord thank you.
– After Bible study, I told Bishop about a First Lady of another church telling me that her husband wants me to train their new ministerial staff members. Bishop said, “Okay,” and that he wants me to work on getting the people who had worked with witnessing during our soul winning training; and get them excited about soul winning. I said, “Yes sir;” and immediately started thinking of contacting our outreach coordinator.
– Then S. approached me about a potluck with ministerial and I said, “That’s a good idea.” Bishop’s lesson really helped me. I didn’t say anything or even think anything negative about S.’s suggestion. Thank you Lord!
– Today it feels good to concentrate on ministry and completing assignments. I’m looking forward to ministry. Thank you Lord.
Saturday, October 25, 2014 @ 8:47 am
– I am full of frustration this morning. Oh how I miss my daughter. Jordan’s birthday party is today. I should be happy; but I’m really sad that Mika won’t be here.
– It’s another first. Jordan’s first party without his mommy. Oh Lord! Please help him and James to have a good time.
– Listening to song, “I Need A Little More Jesus!” It’s inspiring me to clap, praise, bob my head and dance. This song reminds me of an old gospel beat along with today’s feel. I’m singing it. Jordan and I have been listening to it in the mornings when I take him to school. Thank you Lord for KW taping this song and placing on a CD for my car. Now I have bought it and downloaded on my phone. I need just a little more Jesus.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014 @ 11:58 am
– Sitting outside Jordan’s class, waiting on the door to open.
– As I drove to and walked into his school it hit me. Oh Lord I miss my daughter TAMIIIIKKKA!!!! Lord my heart aches so much. I miss my daughter. Help me Lord; please.
– As I sat in the library typing, I heard a baby say, “Mommy.” And it hit me that Jordan won’t be able to say that to his mommy. Lord please help my grand baby.
– Thank you Lord that he has his GaGa. Thank you Lord for sparing my life. Thank you so much for me being able to look after my grandson.
Well, my friends; thank you for sharing with me today. Here’s some questions. “Can you see the need and benefit in journaling? If you’ve read any of Parts I thru VII; do you see any growth? Do you see the importance of having a relationship with The Lord? Does any of this cause you to think about your own strength during your toughest moments?”
Thanks again. I’d love to hear from you. We’ll talk soon.
Originally posted 2016-12-17 07:00:18.