Part XI – “Can You See Your Strength During Your Toughest Moments?”

Hi!

How many times have people said to you, “Get Over It!”   What has  your reaction been?  Do you agree that it’s easier said than done.  …When it comes to grief; it’s just not that easy to lay it to rest.  If the truth be told; while we are on this earth, there’s no expiration date to shake grief’s peeks and valleys.  But a halt to how grief affects you can happen.  It’s up to the person who’s going through grief to put an end to it controlling your moments and your days.  But how?

Prayer and trusting God still works.  The Word of God is quick, powerful and sharper than any two-edged sword.  Quoting and believing in God’s Holy Word still works.  AND writing is effective too.  I guess that’s why The Lord has those of us who write; to journal our way through our dilemmas.  Writing diverts your thoughts away from your sadness and grief.

Yet, sometimes, the ache from grief persists.  When this happens, what do you do?  Pray, read the Word and WRITE some more!  Write through the heartache.  Write through the mental attacks.  Write through the doubt.  Write through the bewilderment.  Write through the temptation to quit.  WRITE!

Then, if The Lord tells you to; SHARE; Do it.  My sharing these thoughts of my precious daughter’s days leading to and after her death has resurrected some needed cleansing.  Today I cried heavily needing to talk to my Mika.  I talked to God; then I started writing.  It works.  So my friends, stay with me on this journey.  Allow God to show your strength to YOU during your toughest moments.

Here’s  Part XI:

Taken from:  Thoughts While Tamika was in ICU and After Her Transition on June 3, 2014.  (Feb 14, 2015, 6:40 am – Rename this writing – Mika Is Free??? or After Losing My Daughter: My New Normal???)

Friday, January 2, 2015 @ 11:51 pm

– Mel just told me Lolo is 5 months pregnant with a girl.  My first thought was that I wish I could tell Tamika about it.  I really miss my baby girl.

– I miss my daughter, my friend, my confidante.  I really miss her.

– I really love my two sons.  But it still feels like a piece of our puzzle is missing.  It used to be us four.  Then it was we five plus James; which made it, we six.  Now it’s us four without Mika. Me, Justin, Melvin and Jordan.  And James is still a part of our family; which makes us five.

He’ll always be my son.  Yet, I know when he finds a new wife, he will have to change his ties so that his wife will feel secure.  But Jordan will always be my grandson.  He will always be my baby girl’s little boy.

– Lord bless Justin, Melvin, Jordan and James.

Saturday, January 3, 2015 @ 8:56 pm

The below thought came to me; and I texted it to Rhonda, Debbie, Sheila and Melody.  (Cousins)

This monster known as grief didn’t just stand at the door of my heart knocking.  It kicked the door down, stepped right in and is continuously punching my aching heart.  My world, once again, has transitioned from life as I knew it, to a strange unknown changed unfamiliar land; and I feel totally lost.  I feel as though I’m in a never-ending maze; walking in circles, abandoned and alone, with no way out.  All I can do is cry, “LORD PLEASE HELP ME. PLEEEEASE!!!”

Please pray for me.  Love you RL

Sunday, January 4, 2015 @ 3:46 pm

– As I lay here listening to the Bible on my tablet, the thought comes to mind. What’s the use of praying?  Does it matter?  Will it change anything?  Here I am back here.  I prayed for Mika; img_3165even though a year ago when her eyes were yellow and she was starting to get darker, it came in my spirit that she may be dying,  I yet prayed.  Lord if you were going to take her, why did I need to pray for her healing?  Why did we have such hope in your miraculously healing her on this earth and her staying here with us?  Why?  What’s the use?  Why did she get to the point of being able to respond to us and moving her legs, etc., if you were going to take her?  Why did we get our hopes up if you were going to take her?   What’s the use of hope?  What’s the use of hoping until the end; if you were going to take her anyway?  Why Lord, why?

4:00 am

– Even with all the why’s; and what’s the use, I still am praying to The Lord about the things that I need.

– Is it because; all I know to do is pray to The Lord?

– The Lord has been the only one I’ve known to talk to in times of trouble and need; and of overwhelming joy; every since I was a little girl.

– So still I pray.  I pray to You Oh Lord.

4:09 am

– I hear The Lord saying, “Rochelle you will get the PhD and you will teach at a college.  Don’t lose heart; and trust me Rochelle.  Trust that I know what’s best. Quit trying to figure my actions and decisions out and just trust me.”

– Yes Lord!

4:22 am

– As I listen to the Book of Daniel on my tablet, the question comes, “What is the difference between a night vision and a dream?”

Wednesday, January 7. 2015 @ 3:54 pm

– As I read this book entitled, “This Thing Called Grief,” cropped-cropped-Ro-in-Virginia-Beach-e1450287774880.jpgI came across a phrase that says, “Embrace this new place in your life.” And that’s exactly what I need to do.

– It also says to, “Embrace a new sense of connectedness to the ones you love.”

– Develop a new sense of who I am?  Is this what is happening now?  A new sense of what life is truly about.

– Change is constant.

Thursday, January 8, 2015 @ 11:01 am

– I’m on a path of change; and it’s strange as well as invigorating

– Sometimes I feel lost; and other times I feel free from the strongholds of caring what people think; or what the devil tries to torment me with.

– I guess The Lord is helping me to transform and fold emotional sadness into newfound joys.

– Jordan is on the sofa watching something on the tablet.  I’m reading the book “This Thing Called Grief.”

– He’s enjoying himself and clapping.    Yesterday he moped and verbalized wanting his mommy.

– What do we do with these yoyo emotions?  We keep going.

– When the crisis is over for others, we keep going.

– What do you do when the theme of change is everywhere?

– I need to go to therapy to receive help in establishing new ways of coping.

– The reality of my new and different life is here.

– I need permission for expression.  This writing and ” Springing Beyond These Walls” are helping me to externalize my thoughts and feelings of grief.

– Who am I talking to?  The Lord, myself and those who will read the printed work.

– Wow! I just read that it’s okay to take a break from your grief.  I need to go do something and have fun.

– I have to allow this grief to become a creative time for me to discover who I am and how I choose to allow God to transform my life.

– The conversation that I had with Justin the other day about what xoxo said about him giving me his last $20 caused me to feel a certain way.  It made me miss Tamika more and pushed me further from people outside of my children. We have an unbreakable bond and no one understands our need to see each other okay. img_2500 I miss Mika so much. She would share thoughts with me and I would share with her.  She, Justin, Melvin and I weathered so many storms together.  God brought us out of so much.  Now Mika had gone on to be with Jesus; and Justin, Melvin and I have to make it.  Jordan and James do too.  Lord I love them dearly.

I have a “New Normal.

5:18 pm

– In my new normal I am realizing that I miss being able to talk to Mika about ministry woes. For instance, I emailed xoxo two days ago and again today; and she still hasn’t contacted me.

– Usually I would share my frustrations with Mika and she would Encourage me to keep going.

– But now it is time to just talk to God about everything. And that is ok.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

– Going through old texts on my phone to delete due to storage. Cant seem to delete the ones sent by Tamika. Its like I can hear her voice through her words. I miss her so much. I came across the below text I sent to my sons:

Good morning my two sons! Reading a book that talks about building positive emotion into ur life can strengthen u for the future still ahead of you. Scriptures given are Nehemiah 8:10; John 16:33 and Proverbs 17:22. Have a good day! Love Mama!

The below text was sent to Tamika and Justin January 28, 2014:

I just heard TD Jakes say, “Any time exceptional people get around ordinary thinking people, there will always b conflict. Don’t try to get along with people who thinks ordinary. God made you to be exceptional.” This helps me so much, because I’ve been dealing with ordinary thinking people n lollipops. N its frustrating. But rather than being so frustrated I’m gonna just keep doing what God has called me to do n just pray for ordinary thinking people.

The below text was sent to five people May, 21, 2014. I believed God so much for Mika. Oh my:
Hey. Mika breathed three hours without ventilator today. Yaaaayyy. Baby steps. We’re still believing God for healing her liver.

Another text sent to twenty-one people May 24, 2014:
Good morning! Mika wrote on paper at 7:30 this morning to tell everybody (then n her Mika sign language, she did with her hands “I love u.”) When I said u all’s names, she nodded her head, “Yes.”  Praise God! Mika is not as strong as she’s gonna be, but she’s thinking about others.

Below text was sent to Just, Mel, Ki, and Kisha May 22, 2014:
Wait. Why did Tamika have the nurse to get me, and she wrote, “U need….” Then she pointed to the doorway.  I asked her, “What Tamika?  I need to go home?”  She nodded, “Yes,” and gave me a Mika look.  I told her to stop worrying.  I’m ok; and I’m going home at 3:00; when James gets here.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

– Jordan just said one plus one equal two. Then he said two plus two equal four. Mika would be so happy at Jordan learning at this age of four.

– Jordan just looked at the picture with James, Justin and Melvin standing and Tamika and me sitting down.  First he talked about Uncle Just being taller than his daddy.  Then he pouted and said, “I want my mommy.”  Oh Lord please help my grand baby.

– Now he is talking, jumping and playing.   Thank you Jesus.

Saturday, January 17, 2015 @ 9:49 pm

– I am so thankful to God that Angie, Lolo and Maurice came over today.  It was so good to see them.  I love my sister, niece and her babies’ daddy.  Thank you Lord!

– I went to the library for a few hours earlier; and got a little sad on the way home missing Mika.

– But when my family came, I just talked and talked.  It was wonderful.  Even though I cried a little talking about Mika, it was good to talk around them.  Thank you Jesus.

– It felt good to work on sermon book, ministerial questions and Christian Ed document from concierge ministry.

– Yesterday or day before, The Lord spoke to me and told me that what I am in is full-time ministry; and that it doesn’t always generate a lot of money.  But it feels wonderful.  I enjoy serving God through serving His people.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015 @ 8:49 am

Jordan just said, “I want my mommy. I want her to give me a hug.”  Oh Lord, he misses the warm hug of his mommy.  I put him in my lap and hugged him real tight.  Lord please help my grandson. Please Lord.

– Lord please don’t let acts of destruction fill the void of his mommy’s touch and love.

– Crying is down in the pit of my stomach.   It hurts so much to see my grandson go through such pain and longing.  Lord please help him.  Please.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015 @ 2:23 pm

– I lay on love seat while Jordan is upstairs taking a nap.
– My conversation with James on yesterday keeps coming to mind.
– James tearfully said that Jordan told him that he wanted to die so that he could be with his mommy.  Then James said he is thinking of doing what Jordan’s teacher and I suggested.  That is to take Jordan to a counselor.
– Jordan’s words brought tears to my eyes.
– I told James that Jordan really needs counseling.  He may misunderstand and think that if he does something to himself, it will allow him to see his mommy.  He doesn’t understand.  He’s just trying to find a way to see his mommy; because he misses her so much.  Lord please help my grand-baby.  Please

Wednesday, January 28, 2015 @ 6:29 am

– Tears again.  As I lay on love seat and Jordan sleeps on sofa, my heart aches for my daughter.  I miss her so much.

– I’ve been praying this morning about my faith.  Lord please help me to trust you more.  I miss my daughter and I don’t know if this ache will ever leave.

Originally posted 2016-12-21 07:15:22.

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