Part XIV [Final Thoughts] – “Can You See Your Strength During Your Toughest Moments?”

 

Hi!

Have you ever started missing someone or something and nothing has physically changed?    Have you ever felt as if something new was getting ready to take place; and you just didn’t know what it was?  What do you do when these things happen?  Do you just wonder, “What is it?”  Do you hear the words, “It’s time now?”  That’s what I hear when I reread the writing for today’s post.

We’ve talked about writing being therapeutic multiple times, in some of the fourteen parts to this series of writings.    And, we can truly attest to the validity of that hypothesis.  All you have to do is try it for yourself.

This journey has been wonderful.  We started with much trepidation; and felt very apprehensive about sharing.  But when we think about some of the hard things shared, there is utter relief.   When we see ourselves today; we are thankful that we’ve been delivered from and enlightened about so many things in the last two and a half years.  So, my friends, come on and take this last stroll with us on this particular journey.  Relate; if you can; and see if YOU can see YOUR strength during your toughest moments.

Here’s Part XIV – (The last of the thoughts written about this subject.)

Taken from:  Thoughts While Tamika was in ICU and after her transition June 3, 2014 (Feb 14, 2015, 6:40 am – Rename this writing – Mika Is Free??? or After Losing My Daughter: My New Normal???)

Wednesday , June 3, 2015 @ 5:42 am

img_2791– It has been one year since my baby died.  It feels like yesterday. The pain is great.  I want to just lie in bed and cry all day.  But NO.  Jordan will be here in less than ten minutes.  Lord help us.  Help Justin.  Help Melvin.  Help Jordan.  Help James.

6:50 am

– As I lay on the love seat watching TV,  listening to Jordan snore on the sofa; the doctor’s report about the herniated disc and cyst comes to my mind.

– All I can think of is that I want to go to Heaven when I die.

Thursday, June 4, 2015 @ 6:07 am

– A year ago today was the morning after my daughter died.  I was up still talking to Vicki and Stella.  Lynn was here also.  I remember feeling so lost and hurt.

– Today the pain is still great.  But the feeling of lost is no longer here.  Yet I still want my daughter.  But it’s time to stop longing for what I clearly can’t have.

Monday, June 15, 2015 @ 12:14 am

Copy of text sent to Justin: 

– I’m n kitchen reading.  Jordan n other room watching Mickey Mouse Club singing.  He started singing and rapping.   img_2892Tamika is not a loser.  I miss my mom.  I miss my mom.  I miss her.”  Then he started eating his pizza and jumping. Wow!

My thoughts:

– I want to scream.  I want to cry.  But no way.  Not today.  I have to speak tonight.

Monday, July 6, 2015 @ 3:14 pm

– As I watch TD Jakes talk about people of faith; it reminds me of why I was so shocked when Tamika died; even though I had dreamed that she wouldn’t be here.

– I had faith to believe that Mika would live.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015 @ 10:29 am

– I just read a Facebook post where someone tagged their daughter about a recipe.img_2500
I started thinking about how Mika and I would talk about recipes, etc.  I miss my daughter soooooooooooooooooo much.

– Earlier today, Jordan said he wanted to go home.  Then he said, “GaGa I never got to see Jesus, and go up in the clouds!”  I said, “Jordan do you miss your mommy?”  He said, “Yes GaGa!”   I told him that his mommy died because she was sick.  She didn’t kill herself to go see Jesus; she died.  And people can’t kill themselves so they can go see Jesus.  If he killed himself, he would never get to go where Jesus is, and he would never see mommy again.  I had to explain it to him. Because he is a thinker.

Thursday, August 20, 2015 @ 4:24 pm

– Praise God!  My son-in-law James told me that he dreamed he met somebody.  He dreamed he was walking down a street wondering what was going on; and a police woman started walking with him.   Then he started paying attention to her, and started talking to her about Tamika.  James was teary-eyed while he told me.  He said he dreamed he told the lady that she didn’t want to hear him talking about Tamika.  But she said, “Go ahead.  Yes I want to hear.”  He said that he met her family and everything.  He felt comfortable; yet he felt vulnerable.  He thought in his dream, if he gave his heart to anyone they may hurt him.  img_0618He said that Tamika was the only person on this earth that he trusted.  He was blushing and holding his head down.  He said that he has hope again, yet he feels like crying.

– I told James to not feel guilty or think that he is betraying Mika, if he meets and falls in love and marries another woman. There will always be a place in his heart for Tamika.  But God will allow him to have love for a new wife.  Praise God.

– He said that he remembers me telling him yesterday to ask God to give him another dream.  He said that he hadn’t dreamed in months.  Now he has hope again.  But he’s afraid.  Praise God

– I told him that God knows what he needs.  And that trait in Mika to be his friend and share his innermost feelings that he felt would only come from Mika;  because they had known each other since their teenage years,  image But God can let him find that characteristic in a total stranger.  God can do anything.  Trust in God.

– Lord thank you for blessing James with a dream again.

October 9, 2015 @ 4:23 pm

– Lord how I miss Mika.  I just showed Justin a Facebook post that Naz posted.  It was funny.  Justin dryly said, “Oh yeah, I saw that.”  Only Mika would get what I get when something was funny.  But I still think it’s funny.  No matter how dry and mean Justin’s response was; I’m in the blooming process.

Six months later

April 4, 2016 @ 3:09 pm

-I just miss my daughter so much.  Lord I wish she was here for me to talk to; but I know God that she’s in a better place with you.  You hear, me but she doesn’t.  She suffered for so long.  img_0239I’m not angry with you God, for taking her; because she is in a better place with you.  But, I just miss my baby so much.  Some days, it’s so hard.  It’s been almost 2 years since she’s been gone.  But it’s been over 2 years since she started suffering more than ever before.  She was suffering more and more during the entire. first six months of 2014; before she passed away.  She got darker and darker; she just suffered.  She couldn’t go to the bathroom; and her stomach was swelling more and more.  I’m just glad that her final suffering didn’t drag on for years;  because she was in pain from Sickle Cell for so long.  I just wanted you to heal her and let her stay with us.  But that would’ve been a little selfish of me.  I am just so glad that she’s with you Lord.  I miss her.

 

imageNow, God, my youngest son Melvin.  Please help him.  My oldest son Justin; please help him.  Please help James.  Please help Jordan. We miss Tamika so bad.

Today, when I came home after taking Jordan to school, I just laid down.  I was tired from going to the Ministers and Workers meeting last week.  But I also believe the reason I laid down was because I was thinking about Tamika when I dropped Jordan off to school.  And when I found out yesterday that Stephanie was having another baby, I was happy for Stephanie.  Yet I was sad because my daughter didn’t get a chance to see her son grow up; nor have another baby of her own.  And, I miss my daughter.  Lord, I miss my daughter.  

Father God, please help me.  Please help my son’s.  Don’t let them become alcoholics.  Please help James.  Don’t let him become an alcoholic.  He’s starting to openly drink wine; and his mother bought him 40 bottles of wine for Christmas.  He’s just telling me this now; because he knows it’s wrong.  Lord don’t let him become an alcoholic

Friday, June 3, 2016 @ 8:40 am

– Two years ago today, I took my grandson, Jordan to school as I did this morning.  The same car.  img_0682But the difference is that Jordan was in pre-school and his mommy was in the hospital on life support.  She died that evening just before midnight.

My precious daughter is gone.  She’s dead.  She died June 3, 2014

– Another difference is that my only sister was still alive.  But now she’s dead.  She died May 3, 2016.  What’s so ironic is that my sister died the day after the anniversary date of my mom’s death 14 years earlier.  Mama died May 2, 2002.

 

This year is so different.  There is a triple ache in my heart.  My precious mama.  My precious daughter.  img_2930And now, my precious sister.

– There is an overwhelming ache in my heart.

– People have given me their well intended advice; from celebrating to going to my daughter’s favorite restaurant.

– I appreciate their wish to help.  But those places would only make me sad.

– Lord help me. Please do a brand new thing in me.

– I cried most of the last two days.  But today I just feel numb.  Don’t know if that’s good or bad.

10:16 am

Mila (Black and White Top)– I looked on Facebook and saw my Mika’s picture.  Kisha had posted a pic of her and words about how she misses you.  Oh Lord!  I miss my precious baby girl.

My friends, this is the last writing from my thoughts while my daughter was in ICU and after her transition.  It’s ironic how I abruptly stopped writing about this on the second anniversary of her death; which was the one month anniversary of my sister’s death.  It wasn’t a planned departure from writing on this.  I just stopped.  

Now as I share this last writing with you, on Christmas Eve, I feel like I’m losing something and gaining something at the same time.  It’s a mixture of joy and pain.  It’s relief and fear.  It’s hard to explain.  It feels like I’m walking away from Mika.  No, I’m not walking away from Mika.  I’m trying to let go of the torment from this grief; without forgetting my Mika.  It’s ok to miss my Mika and still walk in the new. image I want to think of my Mika without feeling the pain.  I want to think of my precious daughter and smile with joy from remembering her laugh; her cough; her fussing; her wisdom; ; her loving and caring ways; her intellect; and her pretty face.

Perhaps it’s time to dream again, hope again; make plans again.  I want to see, experience and walk in all the promises of God that Mika and I talked about.  Father God, in the name of your precious Son Jesus Christ, I thank you, praise you and give you all the glory.  Thank you in advance, Dear God, for granting me the desires of my heart, as I delight myself in You!  Amen!

And now the answer definitely is:  YES!  I CAN see my strength during my toughest moments!  “I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me.” (Phil 4:13)

Thank you for joining me.  Merry Christmas!!  We’ll talk soon.

Blessings!

Rochelle

Originally posted 2016-12-24 10:19:56.

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